Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения - Илья Франк

He yelled up at the sky (он прокричал в небо), "Lord, I never asked you for ana' thin' (= anything) but ta' (= to — но только) win that there Oregon Lottery, and You never did help (и Ты «никогда» = вовсе, ни разу не помог), well WHY? (ну почему)"

Then the clouds above (облака над /ним/) began to part (начали раздвигаться) and in a booming voice (и громовым голосом; to boom — греметь) he heard the Lord say (он услышал, /как/ Бог говорит),

"Pete, I'm gonna need some help on this (Пит, мне понадобится кое-какая помощь в этом; gonna = going to), you have to buy a ticket first (ты должен купить билет для начала)."

Uncle Pete never asked the Lord for anything, but one day he heard about this Oregon Lottery… He began to think about it, and think about it… Then a couple of days later, he asked the Lord,

"You know Lord, I never asked you for anything, I've been going to church every Sunday, praising you and thanking you for what I have, and I sure would like to win that lottery!"

Well, a couple of years went by and Uncle Pete still wanted to, and didn't win that Oregon Lottery. One day while plowing a field he starts thinking about not winning the lottery, and get frustrated, so he decides to ask the Lord why He won't help him to win the lottery.

He yelled up at the sky, "Lord, I never asked you for ana' thin' but ta' win that there Oregon Lottery, and You never did help, well WHY?"

Then the clouds above began to part and in a booming voice he heard the Lord say,

"Pete, I'm gonna need some help on this, you have to buy a ticket first."

I'm gonna need some help on this.

Two fishermen are out on the lake (два рыбака посреди озера) in a boat they had rented at the dock (в лодке, которую они взяли напрокат у пристани).

After an hour or so (через час или около того), they drift over a deep hole (они проплывают над глубокой ямой, впадиной) and start catching fish (и начинают ловить рыбу) faster than they ever had before in their lives (быстрее, чем когда-либо прежде в их жизни). This goes on for a while (это продолжается какое-то время) until one of them (пока один из них) pulls a large piece of chalk (/не/ вытаскивает большой кусок мела) out of his tackle box (из своего ящика со снаряжением) and draws a large "X" (и рисует большую букву «X») in the bottom of the boat (на дне лодки).

"What did you do that for? (для чего ты это сделал)" asks the other one (спрашивает другой).

"So we can find this spot again! (чтобы мы могли найти это место снова)" is the reply (ответ).

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard (это самый дурацкий ответ: «вещь», который я когда-нибудь слышал)," says his buddy (приятель).

"… How do you know we'll get the SAME boat next time? (откуда ты знаешь, что мы получим ту же лодку в следующий раз)"

Two fishermen are out on the lake in a boat they had rented at the dock.

After an hour or so, they drift over a deep hole and start catching fish faster than they ever had before in their lives. This goes on for a while until one of them pulls a large piece of chalk out of his tackle box and draws a large "X" in the bottom of the boat.

"What did you do that for?" asks the other one.

"So we can find this spot again!" is the reply.

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard," says his buddy.

"… How do you know we'll get the SAME boat next time?"

What did you do that for?

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Two winkies went on a hunting trip (двое эвенков были на охоте). After it began to get dark (после того, как начало темнеть /to begin-began-begun/), they thought it was about time to go home (они подумали, что время идти домой /to think-thought-thought/). They unfortunately got lost (к несчастью, они потерялись).

One winkie said to the other (один сказал другому), "I read that if you get lost in the woods you should fire three shots in the air (я читал, что если ты потерялся в лесу, ты должен выстрелить три раза в воздух /to lose-lost-lost — терять/). It is supposed to be (это значит: «это предполагается быть») an "S.O.S."

So, the second winkie shot three times into the air. After waiting for a few hours (после нескольких часов ожидания), they repeated the signal (они повторили сигнал). They tried it over and over (они пробовали еще раз и еще), but nobody came to help them (но никто не пришел им на помощь: «помочь им»).

Finally (наконец), the second winkie said, "O.K., I'll try again (я попробую еще раз), but we're running out of arrows! (но у нас заканчивается запас стрел; to run out off… — исчерпать запас /чего-либо/)"

Two winkies went on a hunting trip. After it began to get dark, they thought it was about time to go home. They unfortunately got lost.

One winkie said to the other, "I read that if you get lost in the woods you should fire three shots in the air. It is supposed to be an "S.O.S."

So, the second winkie shot three times into the air. After waiting for a few hours, they repeated the signal. They tried it over and over, but nobody came to help them.

Finally, the second winkie said, "O.K., I'll try again, but we're running out of arrows!"

I tried it over and over.

O.K., I'll try again.

We're running out of arrows!

A boy was walking down the street with his Dad (мальчик шел по улице со своим папой) and noticed a dog mounting another dog (и заметил собаку, забравшуюся на другую собаку). The boy asked his Dad (спросил своего папу), "Hey Dad, what are those two dogs doing? (что те две собаки делают)"

"Well son, the dog on top's front paws are sore (у собаки сверху передние лапы больные, болят), so the dog on the bottom is giving him a ride home (и собака внизу ведет, подвозит ее домой: «дает ей поездку»; to ride — скакать; ride — прогулка, поездка)."

The son thinks it over (обдумывает это), and then comes to the conclusion (и потом приходит к заключению),

"Geez Dad, isn't that just like the world today… (да, пап, разве мир сейчас не таков: «не подобно ли это миру сегодня») you help someone out (ты кому-то помогаешь), and you end up getting fucked (а кончается все тем, что тебя поимели: to get fucked — быть оттраханным)."

A boy was walking down the street with his Dad and noticed a dog mounting another dog. The boy asked his Dad, "Hey Dad, what are those two dogs doing?"

"Well son, the dog on top's front paws are sore, so the dog on the bottom is giving him a ride home."

The son thinks it over, and then comes to the conclusion,

"Geez Dad, isn't that just like the world today… you help someone out, and you end up getting fucked."

Can you give me a ride?

In front of a delicatessen (перед кулинарией), an art connoisseur (знаток искусства [kɔnǝˈsǝ:]) noticed a mangy little kitten (заметил паршивого маленького котенка; mangy [ˈmeɪndʒi]) lapping up milk from a saucer (лижущего молоко из блюдца). The saucer, he realized with a start (он понял «с толчком» = вздрогнув, у него даже дыхание захватило), was a rare (редкое) and precious piece of pottery (дорогое, ценное изделие из керамики; pottery — гончарные изделия; pot — горшок). He strolled into the store (он вошел в магазин; to stroll — прогуливаться, бродить) and offered (предложил) two dollars for the cat.

"It's not for sale (он не продается: «не для продажи»)," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable (грязный и непривлекательный; to desire - /сильно/ желать), but I'm eccentric (но я чудак: «эксцентричен»). I like cats that way (вот таких). I'll raise (подниму) my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal (договорились; deal — сделка, соглашение)," said the proprietor (владелец), and pocketed the money (и положил деньги в карман; pocket — карман).

"For that sum (сумма) I'm sure you won't mind (не будете против; to mind — помнить; возражать, быть против /в отрицательных и вопросительных предложениях/) throwing in the saucer (прибавить: «вбросить» и блюдце)," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it (похоже, котенок так счастлив = ему так нравится пить из него)."

"Nothing doing (не пойдет)," said the proprietor firmly (твердо). "That's my lucky (счастливое) saucer. From that saucer, so far this week (только на этой неделе; so far - до сих пор, до настоящего времени) I've sold (я продал /to sell-sold-sold/) 34 cats."

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat.

"It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the money.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."

It's a deal.

Nothing doing.

My wife invited some people to dinner (моя жена пригласила несколько человек к ужину). At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said (за столом она повернулась к нашей шестилетней дочери и сказала), "Would you like to say the blessing? (хочешь произнести молитву: «благословение»; to bless — благословлять)"

"I wouldn't know what to say (я не знаю, что говорить)," she replied (ответила).

"Just say what you hear Mommy say (просто говори, то, что ты слышишь, что твоя мама говорит)," my wife said (сказала моя жена).

Our daughter bowed her head (склонила голову) and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner? (Боже ты мой: «дорогой Господь», во имя всего святого: «почему на земле», зачем я пригласила всех этих людей на ужин)"

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

I wouldn't know what to say.

Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?

This guy is in a bar (парень в баре), just looking at his drink (смотрит на стакан с выпивкой), he stays like that for half an hour (он в этом состоянии около получаса), or so (или вроде того), then (затем), this big (большой) burly (здоровенный, сильный: «дородный, плотный»; burl — узел на нитке в ткани; наплыв на дереве) trouble-maker (хулиган: «делатель беспорядков»; trouble — беспокойство, волнение; беспорядки) a truck driver (водитель грузовика) comes and sits next to him (приходит и садится рядом с ним), and drinks what the guy was staring at (и выпивает то, на что этот парень /так/ пристально смотрел). The poor man starts crying (несчастный: «бедный» парень начинает плакать).