Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения - Илья Франк

The youngest son of a great Indian chief went to his father and asked, "Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children?"

The great chief replied, "My son, when your older brother was born, the first sight I saw after the moment of his birth was a bear running through the woods; so I named him running-bear. The morning your sister was born, the first sight I saw was a beautiful star, so I named her morning-star. But why do you ask me such a question, two-dogs-fucking?"

But why do you ask me such a question?

A black family went to the zoo (семья чернокожих пришла в зоопарк) and stopped in front of the cage with the elephant (и остановились перед клеткой со слоном). The young son (маленький сын) asked his mother, "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat (= that) elephant? (мама, что это за вещь, которая болтается у того слона)"

"That's his tail, son (это его хвост, сынок)."

"No, mama, dat other thing! (это другая штука)"

"Oh, that's his trunk, son (о, это его хобот, сынок)."

"No, mama, dat other thing between his legs! (между его ногами)"

"Uh, that's nothin' (= nothing — о, это ничего)," replies the mother.

Undaunted (не смутившись; to daunt — укрощать, устрашать; undaunted — неустрашимый), the boy asks his father, "Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, daddy, dat other thing!"

"That's his trunk, son."

"No daddy, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Oh, that's his penis, son."

"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothing! (а я спросил маму, и она сказала, что это ничего, ерунда)"

"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman! (я избаловал эту женщину)"

A black family went to the zoo and the cage with the elephant. The young son asked his mother, "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, mama, dat other thing!"

"Oh, that's his trunk, son."

"No, mama, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Uh, that's nothin'," replies the mother.

Undaunted, the boy asks his father, "Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, daddy, dat other thing!"

"That's his trunk, son."

"No daddy, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Oh, that's his penis, son."

"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothin'!"

"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman!"

I spoiled that woman!

A woman wanted a divorce (женщина хотела развода). She went to the courthouse (она пришла в суд; court — двор /короля/; суд) and appeared before the judge (и предстала: «появилась» перед судьей).

The judge reviewed her petition and asked (судья просмотрел ее прошение и спросил), "Do you have grounds? (у вас есть основания)"

The woman looked at him quizzically (пытливо, с недоумением; to quiz — смотреть насмешливо или с любопытством /уст./) and said, "Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor (ваша Честь), we do have about an acre and a half (у нас что-то около полутора акров: «акр и половина» /слово «ground» имеет несколько значений, здесь: 1) основание, повод 2) земля/)."

"No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge? (я имею в виду, вы испытываете недовольство; to have a grudge against somebody — иметь «зуб» на кого-либо)"

The bewildered (сбитая с толку) woman replied, "No, we just have a carport (нет, у нас стоянка /слова grudge (недовольство) и garage (гараж) похожи по звучанию/)."

The judge was becoming frustrated (начал нервничать). "You're not getting the point (вы не понимаете смысла /вопроса/: «не получаете, не схватываете суть»)," he said. "Does he beat you up? (он с вами плохо обращается, бьет вас; to beat — бить; побеждать; to beat up — избивать, обходиться со зверской жестокостью)"

The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 (я встаю, уже на ногах в 6.30) and he doesn't get up until 7:00 (а он не поднимается до семи)."

The judge was exasperated (был рассержен, выведен из себя). He looked at the woman and asked: "Look, lady, why are you here? (послушайте, леди, зачем вы здесь) What reason do you have for wanting a divorce? (какая причина у вас есть, чтобы желать развода)"

The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication problem (потому что у моего мужа и у меня есть проблема с общением = мы плохо понимаем друг друга)."

A woman wanted a divorce. She went to the courthouse and appeared before the judge.

The judge reviewed her petition and asked, "Do you have grounds?"

The woman looked at him quizzically and said, "Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor, we do have about an acre and a half."

"No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge?"

The bewildered woman replied, "No, we just have a carport."

The judge was becoming frustrated. "You're not getting the point," he said. "Does he beat you up?"

The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 and he doesn't get up until 7:00."

The judge was exasperated. He looked at the woman and asked: "Look, lady, why are you here? What reason do you have for wanting a divorce?"

The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication problem."

You're not getting the point.

My dentist told me (мой зубной врач сказал мне /to tell-told-told/) he had good news and bad news (что у него есть хорошая новость и плохая).

I said, "Give me the bad news first (давайте плохую новость первой). Maybe (может быть) the good news will cheer me up (меня утешит, ободрит; to cheer — привествовать громкими возгласами; ободрять)."

"Well, you need a root canal (вам нужен «корневой канал»)," he started, "and complete lower bridgework (полный нижний мост). It's going to cost about $3,000 (это будет стоить около 3000$)."

"Ouch!" I exclaimed (воскликнул). "What's the good news?"

"The good news," he beamed (улыбнулся; beam — луч; to beam — сиять; лучезарно улыбаться), "is that I shot a hole-in-one yesterday (что я загнал мяч в лунку вчера /hole-in-one — высший результат при игре в гольф/; hole — дырка /to shoot-shot-shot — стрелять; попадать/)."

My dentist told me he had good news and bad news.

I said, "Give me the bad news first. Maybe the good news will cheer me up."

"Well, you need a root canal," he started, "and complete lower bridgework. It's going to cost about $3,000."

"Ouch!" I exclaimed. "What's the good news?"

"The good news," he beamed, "is that I shot a hole-in-one yesterday."

Mildred came back (вернулась) from her annual check up (после своего ежегодного осмотра; to check up — проверять) with her doctor (у врача) in an unusually good mood (в непривычно хорошем настроении; usual — обычный), and her husband (ее супруг) asked her what had made her day (спросил ее, что ее так обрадовало: «сделало ее день»).

Mildred said, "The doctor told me (доктор сказал мне) that I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old (что у меня груди восемнадцатилетней)."

To which her husband responded (на что ее муж ответил), "What did he say about your forty-six-year-old ass? (а что он сказал о твоей сорокашестилетней заднице)"

Milly retorted (парировала), "He didn't say a word about you! (он не сказал ни слова о тебе)"

Mildred came back from her annual check up with her doctor in an unusually good mood, and her husband asked her what had made her day.

Mildred said, "The doctor told me that I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."

To which her husband responded, "What did he say about your forty-six year old ass?"

Milly retorted, "He didn't say a word about you!"

What has made your day?

The musician finally finished a new song (музыкант наконец закончил новую песню), but no one buys it (но никто не покупает ее). He was telling another musician about it (он рассказывал другому музыканту об этом), and the other guy said, "Let me hear it (дай мне ее послушать = сыграй-ка)".

The first guy went to the piano (подошел к фортепиано) and played a wonderful tune (и сыграл чудесную мелодию). When he finished (когда он закончил), the second (второй) guy said, "That's a wonderful tune! I don't see (я не понимаю: «не вижу») why no one buys it (почему ее никто не покупает). What do you call it? (как ты ее называешь = назвал)"

The first man says, "I love you so goddam much I gotta shit (я люблю тебя так чертовски сильно: «много», что могу: «мне нужно, хочется» обкакаться; gotta = got to)."

The musician finally finished a new song, but no one buys it. He was telling another musician about it, and the other guy said, "Let me hear it".

The first guy went to the piano and played a wonderful tune. When he finished, the second guy said, "That's a wonderful tune! I don't see why no one will buy it. What do you call it?"

The first man says, "I love you so goddam much I gotta shit."

Let me hear it.

I don't see why no one will buy it.

I love you so goddam much I gotta shit.

A crusty (угрюмый; crust — корка /хлеба/) old man (старик) walks into a bank (приходит в банк) and says to the teller at the window (кассирше в окошке), "I want to open (я хочу открыть) a damn checking account (чертов /чековый/ счет)."

The astonished (удивленная) woman replies, "I beg your pardon (прошу прощения), sir. I must have misunderstood you (должно быть, я вас не поняла: «неверно поняла»). What did you say? (что вы сказали)"

"Listen up, damn it (послушай, черт побери: «проклятье»; to damn it — проклясть это). I said I want to open a damn checking account now! (сейчас = сейчас же)"

"I'm very sorry (очень извиняюсь) sir, but that kind of language (но подобный язык: «такая разновидность языка») is not tolerated in this bank (недопустим: «не терпится» в этом банке)."

The teller leaves (кассир покидает) the window and goes over (проходит) to the bank manager to inform him of her situation (объяснить ему свою ситуацию). The manager agrees (соглашается) that the teller does not have to listen to foul language (не должна слушать непристойный язык; foul — грязный; непристойный).

They both return to the window (они оба возвращаются к окошку) and the manager asks the old geezer (менеджер спрашивает старого чудика), "Sir, what seems to be the problem here? (что за проблема здесь: «что кажется быть проблемой здесь»)"

"There is no damn problem (да никакой чертовой проблемы)," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks (просто я выиграл 50 миллионов баксов /to win-won-won/) in the damn lottery (в чертову лотерею) and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank (и я хочу открыть чертов счет в этом проклятом банке), okay?"