Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения - Илья Франк

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

It might be a good idea to check on your girlfriend.

What's so funny?

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot (человек заходит в бар и заказывает рюмашку). Then he looks into his shirt pocket (затем заглядывает в карман рубашки) and orders another shot (и заказывает еще выпивку). After he finishes (после того, как он выпивает; to finish — заканчивать), he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious (любопытный = заинтригован) and asks him (спрашивает его), "Every time (каждый раз) you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why? (почему, зачем)"

The man replies (отвечает), "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket (у меня в кармане фотография моей жены) and when she starts to look good, I go home (и когда она начинает хорошо выглядеть, я иду домой)."

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and askes him, "Every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

A man stumbles up (подходит, спотыкаясь) to the only other patron in a bar (к единственному, кроме него, клиенту в баре) and asks if he could buy him a drink (и спрашивает его, не мог бы он купить ему выпить).

"Why of course (почему бы нет)," comes the reply (следует ответ).

The first (первый) man then asks (спрашивает), "Where are you from? (откуда вы родом)"

"I'm from Ireland (я из Ирландии)," replies the second man (отвечает второй).

The first man responds (откликается), "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! (Что вы говорите! Я тоже из Ирландии) Let's have another round to Ireland (следующий бокал: "другую порцию, еще по кругу" за Ирландию)."

"I'm curious (интересно; curious — любопытный)," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from? (откуда /в Ирландии/ именно вы родом)"

"Dublin (Дублин)," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it (не могу в это поверить)," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course (конечно)," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes (любопытство снова зажигается) and the first man asks, "What school did you go to? (в какой школе вы учились; в какую школу вы ходили)"

"Saint Mary's (Девы Марии)," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62 (я выпустился в 1962)."

"This is unbelievable! (это невероятно; в это невозможно поверить)" the first man says. "I went (я ходил /to go-went-gone/) to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time (в этот момент; около того времени) in comes one of the regulars (входит один из постоянных посетителей) and sits down at the bar (и садится к барной стойке).

"What's been going on? (что происходит, что случилось: «что происходило»)" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much (ничего особенного)," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again (близнецы О'Кинли снова пьяны, опять напились)."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"I'm curious," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

You don't say.

I'm curious.

This is unbelievable!

What's been going on?

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas (жил однажды слепой человек, который решил поехать в Техас). When he arrived on the plane (когда он прибыл в самолет), he felt the seats and said (он потрогал сиденья /to feel-felt-felt — трогать, чувствовать, ощущать/ и сказал), "Wow, these seats are big! (эти сиденья большие)"

The person next to him answered (человек сзади него: «ближайший к нему» ответил), "Everything is big in Texas (в Техасе все большое)."

When he finally arrived in Texas (когда он, наконец, прибыл в Техас), he decided to visit a bar (он решил сходить в бар). Upon arriving in the bar (по приходе в бар), he ordered a beer (он заказал пиво) and got a mug placed between his hands (и ему в ладони поместили кружку). He exclaimed (воскликнул), "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied (ответил), "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers (после пары кружек пива), the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located (где находится, расположена уборная). The bartender replied, "Second door to the right (вторая дверь направо)." The blind man headed for the bathroom (направился), but accidentally tripped over (случайно споткнулся) and skipped (пропустил = прошел мимо) the second door. Instead, he entered the third door (вместо этого он вошел в третью дверь), which led to the swimming pool (которая вела к бассейну /to lead-led-led/), and fell into the pool by accident (и случайно упал в бассейн /to fall-fell-fallen/).

Scared to death (испугавшись до смерти), the blind man started shouting (начал кричать), "Don't flush, don't flush! (Не спускайте! Не спускайте!; to flush — смывать сильной струей воды)"

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"

The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which led to the swimming pool, and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Second door to the right.

I am scared to death.

Tom had this problem (у Тома была эта =такая проблема) of getting up late in the morning ("вставания поздно" = что он поздно встает по утрам; to get up late — поздно вставать) and was always late for work (всегда опаздывал на работу). His boss was mad at him (его начальник злился на него) and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it (и угрожал его уволить, если он что-то с этим не сделает). So Tom went to his doctor (Том пошел к своему врачу /to go-went-gone/) who gave him a pill (тот дал ему пилюлю, таблетку /to give-gave-given/) and told him to take it (и сказал принять ее /to tell-told-told/) before he went to bed (перед тем, как он пойдет спать, перед сном). Tom slept well (Том хорошо спал /to sleep-slept-slept/) and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours (и действительно опередил утром будильник почти на два часа /to beat-beat-beaten — бить, побеждать/). He had a leisurely breakfast (он не спеша позавтракал: «у него был неспешный завтрак»; leisure — досуг) and drove cheerfully to work (и поехал бодро на работу /to drive-drove-driven — ехать, вести машину/).

"Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked! (на самом деле сработала)"

"That's all fine (это все хорошо)," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday? (но где ты был вчера)"

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

That's fine.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money (молодой человек спросил старого богатого человека, как тот сделал свои деньги).

The old guy (парень) fingered his worsted wool vest (дотронулся до своего жилета из камвольной ткани) and said (и сказал), "Well, son, it was 1932 (ну, сынок, это был 1932). The depth of the Great Depression (разгар Великой Депрессии; depth — глубина). I was down to my last nickel (я опустился, докатился до последнего пятицентовика).

I invested that nickel in an apple (я вложил этот пятицентовик в яблоко). I spent the entire day (я провел целый день /to spend-spent-spent — проводить (время)/) polishing the apple (полируя это яблоко) and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents (и в конце дня я продал яблоко за десять центов /to sell-sold-sold/).

The next morning (на следующее утро), I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm (в пять вечера) for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month (я продолжал в том же духе, придерживался этой системы около месяца), by the end of which (к концу которого) I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37 (я скопил богатство размером в $1.37)."

"And that's how you built an empire? (и так вы создали империю /to build-built-built — сооружать, строить/)" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no! (Что ты: «Небеса!»)" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars (потом умер отец моей жены и оставил нам 2 миллиона долларов /to leave-left-left/)."

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.