Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения - Илья Франк

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Heavens!

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes (полицейский допрашивал трех блондинок) who were training to become detectives (которые проходили подготовку, чтобы стать детективами). To test their skills (чтобы проверить их умение) in recognizing a suspect (в узнавании подозреваемого), he shows (он показывает) the first blonde a picture (фотографию) for 5 second (на 5 секунд) and then hides it (и затем прячет ее).

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? (это твой подозреваемый, как бы ты его узнала)"

The first blonde answers (отвечает), "That's easy (это легко), we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye! (мы его поймаем быстро, потому что у него только один глаз)"

The policeman says, "Well… uh… that's because the picture shows his PROFILE (ну… а… это потому что фотография показывает только его профиль)."

Slightly flustered (несколько обалдевший; to fluster — конфузить, сбивать с толку, нервировать) by this ridiculous response (от этого нелепого ответа), he flashes (показывает на одно мгновение; flash — вспышка; to flash — сверкнуть; мелькнуть; показать на мгновение) the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles (хихикает), flips her hair (встряхивает волосами) and says, "Ha! He'd be (его было бы) too easy (совсем: «слишком» просто) to catch (поймать) because he only has one ear! (ухо)"

The policeman angrily responds (злобно отвечает), "What's the matter with you two?? (что это с вами двумя) Of course (конечно) only one eye and one ear are SHOWING (видны) because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? (это лучший ответ, который вы способны дать)"

Extremely frustrated at this point (чрезвычайно = уже совсем расстроенный к этому моменту), he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice (очень раздраженным голосом) asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds (быстро добавляет), "…think hard (как следует: «крепко» подумай) before giving me a stupid answer (перед "даванием" мне глупого ответа, перед тем, как дашь глупый ответ)."

The blonde looks (глядит) at the picture intently (пристально) for a moment and says, "Hmmmm… the suspect wears contact lenses (подозреваемый носит контактные линзы)."

The policeman is surprised (удивленный) and speechless (онемевший: «лишившийся речи»; speech — речь) because he doesn't know himself (он сам не знал) if the suspect wears contacts or not (носит подозреваемый линзы или нет).

"Well, that's an interesting (интересный) answer… wait here for a few minutes (подождите здесь несколько минут) while I check his file (пока я проверю его досье) and I'll get back to you on that (и вернусь к вам с этим вопросом)."

He leaves the room (он выходит из комнаты) and goes to his office (и идет в свой офис), checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face (и возвращается с лучезарной улыбкой на лице; beam — луч; to beam — излучать; сиять). "Wow! I can't believe it… it's TRUE! (я не могу в это поверить, это правда) The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses (действительно носит контактные линзы). Good work! (отличная работа) How were you able to make such an astute observation? (как вы смогли сделать столь проницательное наблюдение)"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses (он не может носить обычные очки) because he only has one eye and one ear (потому что у него только один глаз и одно ухо)."

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well… uh… that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "…think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm… the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer… wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it… it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

What's the matter with you?

Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Wow! I can't believe it…

Good work!

A man was in a bar (человек был в баре). Hoping to strike up a conversation (надеясь завязать разговор) with a distinguished looking fellow (с важно, изысканно выглядящим человеком) sitting nearby (сидящим рядом), he said, "May I buy you a drink? (могу я купить вам выпивку = угостить вас)"

"No," said the man cooly (холодно), "Don't drink (не пью). Tried it once and I didn't like it (попрoбовал раз и не понравилось)."

"Would you like a cigar? (не желаете ли сигару)"

"No. Don't smoke (не курю). Tried tobacco once and I didn't like it."

"Would you like to join me in a game of gin rummy? (не хотите присоединиться ко мне в карточной игре)"

"No. Don't like card games. Tried it once, and I didn't like it.

However (однако), my son will be dropping in after a bit (заглянет через некоторое время). Perhaps (может быть) he will join you."

The first man settled back in his chair (откинулся в своем кресле; to settle — усаживаться, устраиваться) and said, "Your only son, I presume? (ваш единственный сын, я полагаю)"

A man was in a bar. Hoping to strike up a conversation with a distinguished looking fellow sitting nearby, he said, "May I buy you a drink?"

"No," said the man coolly, "Don't drink. Tried it once and I didn't like it."

"Would you like a cigar?"

"No. Don't smoke. Tried tobacco once and I didn't like it."

"Would you like to join me in a game of gin rummy?"

"No. Don't like card games. Tried it once, and I didn't like it.

However, my son will be dropping in after a bit. Perhaps he will join you."

The first man settled back in his chair and said, "Your only son, I presume?"

May I buy you a drink?

I tried it once and I didn't like it.

Would you like a cigar?

An industrial expert (специалист в /области/ индустрии) went around asking (ходил «вокруг», опрашивая) different people (разных людей), "What do you like best about your job? (что вам больше всего нравится в вашей работе)"

"The good pay (хорошая оплата)," one factory worker replied (один фабричный рабочий ответил).

"What do you like least about your job? (что вам меньше всего нравится в вашей работе)" asked the expert (спросил эксперт).

"The good pay," he said again (снова).

The expert was surprised (был удивлен). "What do you mean? (что вы имеете в виду) You like it the best and you like it the least? (вам нравится это больше всего и вам нравится это меньше всего)"

"Well, I like it because it pays me well (ну, она мне нравится, потому что приносит мне хорошие деньги: «платит мне хорошо»), so that's the good part (поэтому это хорошая часть = это плюс, достоинство). But if it didn't pay so well (но если бы она не «платила» так хорошо), I'd quit! (я бы ушел; to quit — оставлять, покидать; увольняться, бросать работу) That would be better! (это было бы лучше)"

An industrial expert went around asking different people, "What do you like best about your job?"

"The good pay," one factory worker replied.

"What do you like least about your job?" asked the expert.

"The good pay," he said again.

The expert was surprised. "What do you mean? You like it the best and you like it the least?"

"Well, I like it because it pays me well, so that's the good part. But if it didn't pay so well, I'd quit! That would be better!"

What do you like best about your job?

What do you mean?

So that's the good part.

That would be better!

A newspaper was running a competition (газета проводила соревнование) to discover (чтобы выявить: «открыть») the most high principled (самого высокопринципиального), sober (здравомыслящего: «трезвого»), well-behaved (добропорядочного: to behave well — вести себя хорошо) citizen (гражданина [ˈsɪtɪzn]). Among the entries came one which read (среди заявок пришла одна /to come-came-come/, которая гласила: «читала» /to read [ri:d]-read [red]-read [red]/):

"I don't smoke (я не курю), touch intoxicants (не употребляю спиртные напитки; to touch — трогать, прикасаться) or gamble (не играю в азартные игры). I am faithful to my wife (я верен своей жене) and never look at another woman (и никогда не смотрю на другую женщину). I am hard working (я много работающий), quiet (спокойный) and obedient (послушный; obedient [ǝˈbi:djǝnt]). I never go to the movies or the theater (я никогда не хожу в кино или в театр), and I go to bed early (и ложусь спать: «иду в постель» рано) every night (каждый вечер) and rise with the dawn (и поднимаюсь с зарей). I attend chapel regularly every Sunday (посещаю церковь каждое воскресенье) without fail (обязательно: «без недостатка = без пропуска»; to fail — потерпеть неудачу; обманывать ожидания, не удаваться; недоставать, не хватать).