Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения - Илья Франк

"I see (понимаю: «вижу»)," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time? (и эта сука вас достает: «дает вам трудное время»)"

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.

I’m very sorry.

Sir, what seems to be the problem here?

I see, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

Two retired banking colleagues (двое вышедших на пенсию банковских коллег), Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch (наслаждались несколькими бокалами мартини во время обеда) when John suddenly mused (когда Джон вдруг задумался), "You know, when I was thirty (знаешь, когда мне было тридцать), my erection was so hard (жесткой, твердой, крепкой) that I could grip it with both hands (что я мог захватить, сжать обеими руками) and not be able to bend it (и не был в состоянии нагнуть)."

Harry nodded in understanding (Гарри кивнул с пониманием).

John continued (продолжал), "When I was forty (когда мне было сорок), I could bend it ten degrees (мог отогнуть на десять градусов) with the greatest of effort (с сильнейшим напряжением). At fifty (в пятьдесят), I could bend it maybe twenty degrees (может быть, на двадцать градусов). And now that I'm past sixty (когда мне больше шестидесяти), I can bend it in half with one hand (наполовину, одной рукой)."

John paused to take a sip of his drink (умолк, чтобы отхлебнуть выпивки), and then (затем) said, "Harry, I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get (Гарри, интересно, насколько сильнее я /еще/ стану).

Two retired banking colleagues, Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch when John one suddenly mused, "You know, when I was thirty, my erection was so hard that I could grip it with both hands and not be able to bend it."

Harry nodded in understanding.

John continued, "When I was forty, I could bend it ten degrees with the greatest of effort. At fifty, I could bend it maybe twenty degrees. And now that I'm past sixty, I can bend it in half with one hand."

John paused to take a sip of his drink, and then said, "Harry, I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get."

I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get.

Some small-time crooks (несколько мелких плутов; crook — крюк; обманщик, плут) decided (решили) that people were so stupid (что люди так глупы) that they would accept 18 dollar bills (что они бы приняли 18-ти долларовые купюры) if somebody gave then any (если бы кто-нибудь им дал их /to give-gave-given/). So they carefully made some plates (они аккуратно сделали несколько клише) and printed some up (и напечатали несколько), and went to a small town to try them out (и поехали в маленький городок испробовать их). They got up to a shopkeeper (они подошли к владельцу магазина) and talked for a while (и поговорили немного), then casually said (потом небрежно, вскользь сказали), "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill? (скажи, ты можешь мне разменять 18-ти долларовый чек)"

"Sure (конечно)," said the old shopkeeper (сказал старый хозяин магазина). "What would you like (что ты предпочтешь: «что бы ты хотел»), three 6's or two 9's? (три /купюры/ по шесть или две по девять)"

Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would accept 18 dollar bills if somebody gave then any. So they carefully made some plates and printed some up, and went to a small town to try them out. They got up to a shopkeeper and talked for a while, then casually said, "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill?"

"Sure" said the old shopkeeper. "What would you like, three 6's or two 9's?"

Say, can you give me change for a hundred dollar bill?

There was a position open (было свободное место) for an accountant (бухгалтера) at one large firm (в одной большой фирме). They got the applicants down to 3 people (они остановили выбор на трех претендентах: «сбавили, спустили /число/ претендентов до трех»). The president was going to interview each one separately (собрался побеседовать с каждым отдельно). He asked the first applicant in (он пригласил первого кандидата).

"I'm going to ask you just one question (я собираюсь задать вам только один вопрос)," says the president (сказал президент), "What's 2+2? (сколько будет два плюс два)"

Applicant #1 promptly answers (кандидат сразу, быстро отвечает) "Four (четыре)."

"Thank you, we will get back to you (благодарю вас, мы к вам вернемся = мы с вами свяжемся)," replied the president.

The second applicant comes in (второй входит), same question (тот же вопрос) "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question (думает, что это вопрос с подвохом), thinks a little bit and says "Five" (думает немного и говорит «пять»)."

The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong (это явно неправильно), don't call us, we'll call you (не звоните нам, мы вам /сами/ позвоним)."

The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

The third applicant looks around (оглядывается) as if he's looking for someone else in the room (как будто он ищет кого-то еще в комнате) and replies, "What would you like it to be? (а сколько бы вам хотелось, чтобы это было)"

The president exclaims (восклицает), "YOU'RE MY MAN! (вы мой человек = вот вы-то мне и нужны, вы мне подходите)"

There was a position open for an accountant at this one large firm. They got the applicants down to 3 people. The president was going to interview each one separately. He asked the first applicant in.

"I'm going to ask you just one question," says the president, "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #1 promptly answers "Four."

"Thank you, we will get back to you," replied the president.

The second applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question, thinks a little bit and says "Five."

The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong, don't call us, we'll call you."

The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

The third applicant looks around as if he's looking for someone else in the room and replies, "What would you like it to be?"

The president exclaims, "YOU'RE MY MAN!"

I'm going to ask you just one question.

Well, that's obviously wrong.

You’re my man!

A very elderly couple (очень пожилая пара) is having an elegant dinner (устраивает изысканный ужин) to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary (отметить свою 75-юю годовщину свадьбы; to wed — выдавать замуж; вступать в брак). The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife (наклоняется вперед и говорит мягко своей жене), "Dear, there is something that I must ask you (дорогая, я должен тебя кое о чем спросить). It has always bothered me (меня всегда беспокоило) that our tenth child (что наш десятый ребенок) never quite looked like the rest of our children (никогда вполне не походил на остальных наших детей; rest — остаток, остальная часть). Now I want to assure you (сейчас я хочу заверить тебя) that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience (что это 75 лет были самым замечательным опытом) I could have ever hoped for (на который я мог надеяться), and your answer cannot take all that away (и твой ответ не может все это разрушить; to take away — убрать).

But… I must know, did he have a different father? (но… я должен знать, у него другой отец; different — отличный, отличающийся)"

The wife drops her head (супруга роняет = опускает голову), unable to look her husband in the eye (будучи не в состоянии смотреть в глаза своему мужу; able — умелый; способный), she paused for a moment (она помолчала секунду) and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did (Да. Да, у него был /другой отец/)."

The old man is very shaken (очень потрясен; to shake — трясти), the reality of what his wife was admitting (реальность того, что признала его жена) hit him harder than he had expected (сделала ему больнее: «ударила его больше», чем он ожидал). With a tear in his eye he asks, (со слезой в глазу он спрашивает) "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father? (кто, кто это был, кто был отцом)"

Again, the old woman drops her head (снова старушка опускает голову), saying nothing at first (сначала не говоря ничего) as she tried to muster the courage (пока она пыталась набраться смелости; muster — сбор, смотр, перекличка; to muster — собирать/ся/) to tell the truth to her husband (чтобы сказать правду своему мужу). Then, finally, she says, (потом наконец она говорит) "You".

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away.

But… I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who?… Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You".

Dear, there is something that I must ask you.

** LOST DOG (пропала собака: «пропавшая собака») **

3 legs (три лапы),

Blind in left eye (слепа на левый глаз),

Missing right ear (не хватает правого уха),

Tail broken (сломан хвост /to break-broke-broken/),

Recently castrated (недавно кастрирована),