Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения - Илья Франк

The owner looked at her and said, "Listen, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet-shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"

That's not so bad.

Same old faces.

Typical Mexican macho man (типичный мексиканский мачо) married typical good-looking Mexican lady (женился на типичной красивой: «хорошо выглядящей» мексиканской женщине) and after the wedding (и после свадьбы) laid down the following rules: (установил следующие правила) "I'll be home when I want (я буду дома, буду приходить домой, когда я хочу), if I want (если захочу) and at what time I want (и тогда: «в такое время», когда я хочу) - and I don't expect any hassle from you (и я не жду никакого ворчания от тебя = и чтобы не было никакого ворчания, недовольства; hassle — перебранка, стычка). I expect a great dinner to be on the table (я ожидаю отличный ужин на столе) unless I tell you otherwise (если только я не скажу тебе другого: «по-другому»). I'll go hunting (я буду ходить на охоту), fishing (рыбалку), boozing (на попойки; booze — спиртной напиток; to booze — пьянствовать) and card-playing (на карточные игры) when I want with my old buddies (с моими старыми дружками) and don't you give me a hard time (и не надоедай мне: «не давай мне жесткого = тяжелого времени») about it (из-за этого, по этому поводу). Those are my rules! (таковы мои правила, установления) Any comments? (какие-нибудь замечания)"

His new bride said (его новая невеста сказала), "No, that's fine with me (нет, это мне подходит: «это хорошо со мной»). Just understand (только пойми = запомни) that there'll be sex here (здесь будет секс) at seven o'clock every night (в семь часов каждый вечер) - whether you're here or not (будешь ты здесь или нет)."

Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night — whether you're here or not."

Don't you give me a hard time about it!

Any comments?

No, that's fine with me.

Pretty girl (миленькая девушка): "May I try on (я могу примерить) that two-piece suit (тот /купальный/ костюм /двойку/; piece — кусок, часть, штука) in the window? (в витрине: «в окне»)"

Store manager (менеджер магазина): "Go right ahead (да, конечно, давайте: «идите прямо вперед»). It might help business (это может помочь бизнесу)."

Pretty girl: "May I try on that two-piece suit in the window?"

Store manager: "Go right ahead. It might help business."

May I try on that suit?

Go right ahead.

It might help business.

This old gal («старушка»: gal — девчонка) was trying on (примеряла; to try — пробовать; стараться) one of those blouses with a plunging neckline (одну из тех блузок, /что/ с глубоким вырезом; to plunge — нырять) and after looking herself over in the mirror (после того, как оглядела себя в зеркале), asked a saleslady (спросила продавщицу) if she thought it was too low-cut (не думает ли она, что вырез слишком глубок: «что это слишком глубоко вырезано» /to think-thought-thought/).

"Do you have hair on your chest? (у вас есть волосы на груди)" the saleslady asked.

"No!" she squealed (взвизгнула).

"Well then (ну, тогда)," the saleslady said, "it's too low-cut (он слишком глубок)."

This old gal was trying on one of those blouses with a plunging neckline and after looking herself over in the mirror, asked a saleslady if she thought it was too low-cut.

"Do you have hair on your chest?" the saleslady asked.

"No!" she squealed.

"Well then," the saleslady said, "it's too low-cut."

It's too low-cut.

A man accompanied a friend home for dinner one evening (человек сопровождал друга домой на ужин однажды вечером) and noticed (заметил) that as soon as they entered the door (что, как только они вошли в дверь), his friend kissed his wife (поцеловал свою жену) and told her how pretty she looked (и сказал ей, как чудно она выглядит /to tell-told-told/). After dinner, he complimented his wife on the food (он похвалил жену за еду) and kissed her again (снова).

"Do you always do that? (ты всегда так делаешь)" asked the visitor (спросил гость) when they were alone (когда они были одни).

"You bet I do (конечно, да; to bet — держать пари; биться об заклад)," answered the man. "It helps keep our marriage a happy one (это помогает сохранить наш брак счастливым)."

The visitor was greatly impressed (сильно впечатлен) and decided (решил) to use the same procedure with his own wife (использовать то же действие с его собственной женой; procedure — образ действия; процедура /напр. парламентская/ [prǝˈsi:dʒǝ]). That night (в тот вечер) he swept her into his arms (он сгреб ее в объятия: «в руки» /to sweep-swept-swept — мести/) when he got home (когда он пришел домой /to get-got-got — получать; прибыть, добраться/) and kissed her warmly (нежно; warm — теплый). "Sweetheart (милая: sweet — сладкий + heart — сердце)," he said, "you look wonderful tonight (ты выглядишь чудесно сегодня /вечером/), and I'm a lucky man to have such a beautiful wife (я счастлив, имея такую прелестную жену)."

His wife looked at him in amazement (с удивлением), then burst into tears (затем залилась слезами /to burst-burst-burst — лопнуть; разразиться/).

"For Pete's sake (ради /святого/ Петра)," exclaimed (воскликнул) the astonished (изумленный) man, "what's the matter? (в чем дело, что случилось)"

"What a day this has been! (что за день это был)" his wife answered. "First Johnny (сначала Джонни) sprained his ankle (растянул лодыжку), then the washing machine (затем стиральная машина) broke down (сломалась /to break-broke-broken/) and flooded the basement (затопила подвал; basement — фундамент, цоколь; подвал), and now you come home drunk! (а теперь /и/ ты /еще/ приходишь домой пьяный)"

A man accompanied a friend home for dinner one evening and noticed that as soon as they entered the door, his friend kissed his wife and told her how pretty she looked. After dinner, he complimented his wife on the food and kissed her again.

"Do you always do that?" asked the visitor when they were alone.

"You bet I do," answered the man. "It helps keep our marriage a happy one."

The visitor was greatly impressed and decided to use the same procedure with his own wife. That night he swept her into his arms when he got home and kissed her warmly. "Sweetheart," he said, "you look wonderful tonight, and I'm a lucky man to have such a beautiful wife."

His wife looked at him in amazement, then burst into tears.

"For Pete's sake," exclaimed the astonished man, "what's the matter?"

"What a day this has been!" his wife answered. "First Johnny sprained his ankle, then the washing machine broke down and flooded the basement, and now you come home drunk!"

You bet!

It helps keep our marriage a happy one.

Sweetheart, you look wonderful tonight!

For Pete’s sake (for God’s; Heaven’s)!

What a day this has been!

Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world (два священника обсуждали недостаток морали в современном мире).

"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married (я не спал со своей женой до того, как мы поженились)," said one clergyman self-righteously (сказал один священник самодовольно: «с чувством собственной правоты»). "Did you? (а вы)"

"I don't know (я не знаю)," said the other. "What was her maiden name? (какая была ее девичья фамилия)"

Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," said one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

What was her maiden name?

Uncle Pete never asked the Lord for anything (дядюшка Пит никогда не просил Господа о чем-либо), but one day he heard about this Oregon Lottery… (но однажды он услышал об этой Орегонской лотерее /to hear-heard-heard/) He began to think about it (он начал думать об этом /to begin-began-begun/), and think about it… (и думать об этом). Then a couple of days later (потом, пару дней спустя), he asked the Lord (он попросил Бога: «Господа»),

"You know Lord (ты знаешь, Господи), I never asked you for anything (я никогда тебя ни о чем не просил), I've been going to church every Sunday (я ходил в церковь каждое воскресенье), praising you and thanking you for what I have (восхваляя тебя и благодаря тебя за то, что имею), and I sure would like to win that lottery! (и я, конечно, хотел бы выиграть в эту лотерею)"

Well, a couple of years went by (пара лет прошла) and Uncle Pete still wanted to (все еще хотел), and didn't win (и не выиграл) that Oregon Lottery. One day while plowing a field (однажды, во время распашки поля, когда распахивал поле) he starts thinking about not winning the lottery (он начинает думать о том, что он не выиграл в лотерею, как он все никак не может выиграть в лотерею), and get frustrated (/начинает/ расстраиваться, отчаиваться), so he decides (и решает поэтому) to ask the Lord why He won't help him to win the lottery (спросить Бога, почему Он не поможет ему выиграть в лотерею).