Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения - Илья Франк

"No, this is 0208 123 3747."

"Oh, I'm sorry (о, извините). I guess I have the wrong number (видимо, я набрала не тот номер)."

There was a short pause (была короткая пауза), then Rivkah said, "Does this mean you're not coming over? (так значит, вы не приедете: «значит ли это, что вы не приедете /сюда/»)"

The upset and concerned housewife Rivkah sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice.

"Darling, How are you? This is Mummy."

"Oh Mummy," she said "I'm having a bad day."

Breaking into bitter tears, she continued, "The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Goldbergs and the Rosens for dinner tonight."

The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Mummy handle it."

She continued, "Sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine in 30 minutes.

Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call your husband David at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"David?" said Rivkah. "Who's David?"

"Why, David 's your husband!… Is this 0208 123 3749?"

"No, this is 0208 123 3747."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause, then Rivkah said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

Darling, How are you?

Let me handle it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number.

Does this mean you're not coming over?

A Jewish grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson (еврейская бабушка дает указания своему взрослому внуку) who is coming to visit with his wife (который собирается навестить ее со своей женой),

"You come to the front door (ты подходишь к входной двери) of the Golders Green block of flats (многоквартирного дома). I am in flat (я в квартире) number 32. There is a big panel at the front door (на входной: «передней» двери большая панель, список, указатель /жильцов, квартир/; panel [ˈpænl]). With your elbow (твоим локтем), push button (нажми кнопку) 32. I will buzz you in (я тебя впущу /по домофону/; to buzz — жужжать, гудеть; звонить по телефону). Come inside (внутрь), the elevator is on the right (лифт справа). Get in (зайди), and with your elbow hit (нажми: «ударь») 14. When you get out (когда ты выйдешь), I am on the left (я слева). With your elbow, hit my doorbell (дверной звонок; bell — колокольчик)."

"Grandma, that sounds easy (звучит понятно: «легко»), but why (почему) am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"You're coming empty handed? (ты приезжаешь = собираешься приехать с пустыми руками)"

A Jewish grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife,

"You come to the front door of the Golders Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"You're coming empty handed?"

That sounds easy.

Four Jewish ladies (четыре еврейские женщины) are playing Bridge (играют в бридж).

Betty sighs and says (Бетти вздыхает и говорит), "Oy… (Ой)"

Freda nods (кивает), sighs, and says, "Oy vey! (ой, горе — идиш)"

Kitty says, "Oy veys meer! (ой, горе мне)"

Charlotte chimes in (Шарлотта включается в разговор: to chime — согласно звучать /о колоколах/): "Enough talk about the children already (хватит уже о детях). Let's get back to the game (давайте-таки играть: «вернемся к игре»; back — назад)"

Four Jewish ladies are playing Bridge.

Betty sighs and says, "Oy…"

Freda nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!"

Kitty says, "Oy veys meer!"

Charlotte chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."

Let's get back to the game.

After Adam was created (после того, как Адам был создан), there he was, all alone, in the Garden of Eden (он был совсем один в Эдемском саду).

Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself (конечно, это не было хорошо для него быть все время одному: «при самом себе»), so the Lord came down to visit (и Бог спустился навестить его).

"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier (у меня есть план, как сделать тебя гораздо, гораздо счастливее). I'm going to give you a companion (я собираюсь дать тебе друга), a help mate for you (помощника для тебя) - someone who will fulfil (кого-то, кто исполнит) your every need and desire (каждую твою потребность и каждое твое желание). Someone who will be faithful, loving and obedient (кто будет преданным, любящим и послушным; obedient [ǝˈbi:djǝnt]). Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life (кто сделает так, чтобы ты чувствовал себя чудесно каждый день /в/ твоей жизни)."

Adam was stunned (ошеломлен). "That sounds incredible! (это звучит невероятно)"

"Well, it is (так оно и есть)," replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free (но это не бесплатно; free — свободный). This is someone so special (настолько особенный) that it's going to cost you an arm and a leg (что будет стоить тебе руки и ноги)."

"That's a pretty high price to pay (это очень высокая цена)," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib? (что могу я получить за ребро)"

After Adam was created, there he was, all alone, in the Garden of Eden.

Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.

"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier. I'm going to give you a companion, a help mate for you — someone who will fulfil your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!"

"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free. This is someone so special that it's going to cost you an arm and a leg."

"That's a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"

That's sounds incredible!

That's a pretty high price to pay.

Three friends were at the bar talking (трое друзей были в баре, разговаривая), and after many rounds of beer (и после многих кружек /заказанных на всех/: «раундов» пива), one of them suggests (один из них предлагает) that everyone admits something (чтобы каждый признался в чем-то таком) they have never admitted to anyone (в чем они никогда раньше не признавались никому).

"Okay," says the first, "I've never told anybody I'm a gay! (я никогда никому не говорил, что я гомик /to tell-told-told/)"

The second confesses (признается), "I'm having an affair with my boss's wife (у меня роман, связь с женой моего босса)."

The third, Moishe, begins, "I don't know how to tell you… (я не знаю, как вам сказать)"

"Don't be shy (не стыдись = смелее: «не будь стыдлив, робок»)," the two friends said.

"Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets (я не могу хранить секреты)."

Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admits something they have never admitted to anyone.

"Okay," says the first, "I've never told anybody I'm a gay!"

The second confesses, "I'm having an affair with my boss's wife."

The third, Moishe, begins, "I don't know how to tell you…"

"Don't be shy," the two friends said.

"Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets."

Don't be shy.

Mr. Shwartz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be (мистер Шварц приходит на встречу со своим будущим зятем), Sol (Соломоном).

He says to Sol, who is very religious (он говорит Солу, который очень религиозен), "So now tell me, Sol, my boy, what do you do? (ну а теперь скажи мне, Сол, мой мальчик, чем ты занимаешься)"

"I study the Torah (я изучаю Тору)," he replies.

"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter (ты собираешься жениться на моей дочери), how are you going to feed and house her? (как ты собираешься ее кормить и содержать)"

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide (я изучаю Тору, там сказано, что Бог обеспечит)."

"But you will have children (но у тебя будут дети), how will you educate them? (как ты дашь им образование)" asks Mr. Shwartz.

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like (беспокойно спросила, что из себя представляет Сол: «на что он похож»).

"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy (он милый мальчик), I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God (я только его встретил = познакомился с ним, а он уже думает, что я Бог /to meet-met-met/)."

Mr. Shwartz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol.

He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So now, tell me, Sol, my boy, what do you do?"

"I study the Torah," he replies.

"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are you going to feed and house her?"

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Shwartz.

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like.

"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."

What do you do?

No problem.

— Hello, that's you (это ты), Abe?

— Yes, dis (= this; здесь и дальше написание некоторых слов нарушено, чтобы передать сильный акцент) is Abe…

— It doesn't sount (=sound) like (не похоже на: «не звучит как») Abe.

— Vell (=well), dis is Abe all right (здесь в самом деле: «в порядке»).

— You're positive (вы уверены) it's Abe?

— Absolutely (абсолютно).

— Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty punds? (= fifty pounds — можешь одолжить мне 50 фунтов)

— Ven (=when) Abe comes in (придет), I'll tell him you called… (я скажу ему, что вы звонили).

— Hello, that's you, Abe?

— Yes, dis is Abe…

— It doesn't sount like Abe.

— Vell, dis is Abe all right.

— You're positive it's Abe?

— Absolutely.