Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения - Илья Франк

Govt. Official: "If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a palace, what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a sweater, what would you do with it?"

No reply.

Government official asks the question again.

And still no reply.

Finally he shouts: "Moishe, why don't you reply?"

Moishe: "Because I have a sweater."

If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great (школа про$то $упер). I am making lot$ of friend$ (я дружу $о многими: «делаю кучи дру$ей») and $tudying very hard (и учу$ь у$иленно). With all my $tuff ($ моей нагру$кой), I $imply can't think of anything I need (я про$то не могу думать о чем-то, в чем я нуждаю$ь), $o if you would like (и е$ли ты хочешь), you can ju$t $end me a card (ты можешь по$лать мне открытку), a$ I would love to hear from you (так как я хочу получить изве$тие от тебя: «у$лышать от тебя»).

Love ($ любовью),

Your $on (твой $ын)

$hlomo

The Reply (ответ):

Dear Shlomo,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy (я знаю, что астроNOмии, экоNOмики и океаNOграфии) are eNOugh to keep (довольNO, чтобы сделать: «держать, удерживать») even an hoNOr student busy (даже почетNOго студента занятым; honor — честь; honor student — особо хорошо успевающий студент, получающий известную долю независимости /в выборе того, чем ему заниматься/. При этом полагаются на его добросовестность — «честь»). Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge (NO не забудь, что погоня за знанием) is a NOble task (благородNOе дело: «задача»), and you can never study eNOugh (и ты не можешь никогда учиться достаточNO).

Love your father,

NOach

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on

$hlomo

The Reply:

Dear Shlomo,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love your father,

NOach

I am making lots of friends.

I am studying very hard.

You can never study enough.

A man walked (один человек пришел: «вошел») into a lawyer's office (в адвокатскую контору) and inquired (спросил, осведомился) about the lawyer's rates (о расценках, сколько берет).

"$50.00 for three questions (за три вопроса)," replied the lawyer (ответил адвокат).

"Isn't that awfully steep? («разве это не ужасно дорого»; steep — высокий, крутой)" asked the man (спросил этот человек).

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question? (а каков ваш третий вопрос)"

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Isn't that awfully steep?

A Jewish lady calls the newspaper (звонит в газету) and asks for the obituary section (отдел некрологов).

The obit guy asks (парень из отдела некрологов спрашивает), "What can I do for you? (что я могу сделать для вас = чем могу помочь»)"

"I'd like to place an obituary (я хотела бы поместить некролог)."

"Awright (= all right — хорошо, ладно: «все в порядке»), how would you like it to read? (как бы вы хотели, чтобы он звучал: «читался»)"

"Irving Cohen died (умер)."

"That's it? (это /все/) Irving Cohen died?"

"That's it."

"But you get four lines in the obit (но у вас четыре строчки для некролога). It's included in the price (это включено в цену)."

"All right. Irving Cohen died… Cadillac for sale (кадиллак на продажу = продается кадиллак)."

A Jewish lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary section.

The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?"

"I'd like to place an obituary."

"Awright, how would you like it to read?"

"Irving Cohen died."

"That's it? Irving Cohen died?"

"That's it."

"But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in the price."

"All right. Irving Cohen died… Cadillac for sale."

What can I do for you?

It's included in the price.

An old Jewish man and a young Jewish man are traveling on the train (старый еврей и молодой еврей едут в поезде).

The young man asks (спрашивает): "Excuse me, what time is it? (извините, который час)" The old man does not answer (старик не отвечает).

"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old man keeps silence (хранит молчание).

"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?! (почему вы не отвечаете)"

The old man says: "Son (сынок), the next stop (следующая остановка) is the last on this route (последняя на этом маршруте). I don't know you (я тебя не знаю), so you must be a stranger (значит: «итак» ты, должно быть, не здешний; strange — чужой; странный). If I answer you now (если я тебе сейчас отвечу), I'll have to invite you to my home (мне придется пригласить тебя в мой дом). You're handsome (красивый), and I have a beautiful daughter (а у меня красивая дочь). You will both fall in love (вы оба влюбитесь, полюбите друг друга: «впадете в любовь») and you will want to get married (захотите пожениться). Tell me (скажи мне), why would I need a son-in-law (к чему мне будет такой зять: «зачем я бы нуждался в таком зяте») who can't even afford a watch? (который даже не может позволить себе /купить/ часы)"

An old Jewish man and a young Jewish man are traveling on the train.

The young man asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old man does not answer.

"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old man keeps silence.

"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"

The old man says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

Excuse me, what time is it?

I can't afford that.

The first Jewish President (первый еврейский президент = первый еврей, ставший американским президентом) calls his mother (звонит своей матери) in Queens (- район Нью-Йорка) and invites her for Chanukah (и приглашает ее на Хануку).

"I'd like to (я бы хотела, я бы с удовольствием)," she says, "but it's so much trouble… (но это такая проблема: «такое беспокойство») First (во-первых), I have to get a cab (мне нужно взять такси) to the airport, and I hate waiting (терпеть не могу ожидание; to hate — ненавидеть) on Queens Boulevard…"

"Mom! I'm President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One! (я пришлю спец. самолет /ВВС/; force — сила)"

"Yes, but when we land (но когда мы приземлимся) I'll still have to carry my luggage (мне все еще = все равно придется нести мой багаж) through (через) the airport… And try to find (попытаться найти) a cab… And you know what holiday crowds are like… (а ты знаешь, что такое: «на что похожи» праздничные толпы)"

"Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! (у меня будет вертолет, чтобы подобрать тебя) You'll go straight (ты отправишься прямо) from the plane to my front lawn! (с самолета на мою переднюю лужайку = перед домом)"

"I don't know… (не знаю) I'd still need a hotel room (мне все равно будет нужен номер в гостинице). And hotels are so expensive… (так дороги) and they're not like they used to be… (не такие, как были раньше)"

"Ma! You'll stay at the White House! (ты остановишься в Белом Доме)"

"Well…" She thinks. "I guess (я думаю; to guess — угадать, отгадать; /амер./ считать, предполагать), O.K." she sighs (вздыхает), "I'll come… for you (я приеду… ради тебя)."

That afternoon (в тот же день /после полудня/; noon — полдень), she's talking on the phone (она говорит по телефону) with one of her friends (с одной из своих подруг). "What's new? (что нового)" The friend asks.

"I'm visiting my son for Chanukah (я поеду в гости к сыну на Хануку)."

"The doctor?"

"No… the other one (нет, к другому)."

The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her for Chanukah.

"I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble… First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard…"

"Mom! I'm President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!"

"Yes, but when we land I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport… An try to find a cab… And you know what holiday crowds are like…"

"Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"

"I don't know… I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive… and they're not like they used to be…"

"Ma! You'll stay at the White House!"

"Well…" She thinks. "I guess. O.K." she sighs, "I'll come… for you."

That afternoon, she's talking on the phone with one of her friends. "What's new?" The friend asks.

"I'm visiting my son for Chanukah."

"The doctor?"

"No… the other one."

I'd like to, but it's so much trouble.

And hotels are not like they used to be…

What's new?

Morris comes home to find his wife (приходит домом и застает: «чтобы найти» свою жену), Sadie, crying (плачущей). "I found out (узнала; /to find-found-found — найти/) from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair (что у тебя связь) with that chippy secretary (с той жалкой секретаршей; chippy — зазубренный /о ноже/, обломанный /о посуде/; /амер. жарг./ потаскушка) in your office.

Why would you do that to me? (почему ты так поступил со мной)

Haven't I always been the good wife? (разве я не была всегда хорошей женой) I've cooked for you (готовила для тебя), raised your children (растила твоих детей), and I've always been by your side (и всегда была рядом с тобой) for thirty-five years (в течение 35 лет). What haven't I done to make you happy? (чем ты недоволен: «что я не сделала, чтобы сделать тебя счастливым»)"