Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения - Илья Франк

I was struck dumb with amazement.

The rabbi was fed up (был пресыщен, ему надоела /to feed-fed-fed — кормить, питать) with his congregation (паства). So, he decided to skip the services (итак, поэтому он решил пропустить богослужения) on Yom Kippur, the holiest day (самый священный день) on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf (и вместо этого пойти поиграть в гольф).

Moses (Моисей) was looking down from heaven (смотрел вниз с небес) and saw the rabbi on the golf course (и увидел рабби на гольфовом поле, на гольфовой дорожке /to see-saw-seen/). He naturally (естественно) reported it to God (передал, сообщил это Богу). Moses suggested (предложил) God punish (наказать) the rabbi severely (строго; severely [sɪˈvɪǝlɪ]).

As he watched (когда он посмотрел), Moses saw the rabbi playing the best game (играющего лучшую игру) he had ever played! (которую он когда-либо играл) The rabbi got a hole-in-one (загнал мяч; hole-in-one — высшее достижение при игре в гольф) on the toughest hole (в самую трудную лунку; tough — тугой, плотный; трудный) on the course. Moses turned to God and asked (повернулся к Богу и спросил), "I thought you were going to punish him (я думал, ты собираешься наказать его /to think-thought-thought/). Do you call this punishment?! (ты называешь это наказанием)"

God replied, "Who can he tell? (кому он может рассказать /об этом/)"

The rabbi was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.

Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.

As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi playing the best game he had ever played! The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course. Moses turned to God and asked, "I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?!"

God replied, "Who can he tell?"

"If I were Rockefeller (если бы я был Рокфеллером)," sighed (вздохнул) the Hebrew teacher (учитель), "I'd be richer than Rockefeller (я был бы богаче, чем Рокфеллер)."

His friend asked (его друг спросил), "What do you mean? (что ты имеешь в виду) How could you be richer? (как бы ты мог быть богаче)"

"I'd do a little teaching on the side (я бы еще немножко давал уроки побочно = подрабатывал бы уроками; side — сторона, бок)."

"If I were Rockefeller," sighed the Hebrew teacher, "I'd be richer than Rockefeller."

His friend asked, "What do you mean? How could you be richer?"

"I'd do a little teaching on the side."

What do you mean?

The time is the French Revolution (время — Французская революция).

Yossi lived in a small village (жил в маленькой деревне, в местечке) and one day (однажды), his friend Roberto came to see him (его друг Роберто пришел навестить «повидать» его) after returning from a trip to Paris (после возвращения из поездки в Париж).

Yossi asked Roberto what was happening (спросил, что происходит) in Paris as he had heard (поскольку он слышал /to hear-heard-heard/) they were regularly using the Guillotine (/что там/ регулярно пускают в ход: «используют» гильотину).

«Yes, you heard right (ты правильно слышал),” said Roberto, «conditions there are as bad as can be (условия там настолько плохи, насколько возможно: «может быть»). They are chopping off people’s heads in their thousands (отрубают, оттяпывают людские головы тысячами).”

«Oy vay (о, горе — идиш),” moaned (простонал) Yossi, «what ever will happen to my hat business? (что же будет с моим шляпным бизнесом)”

The time is the French Revolution.

Yossi lived in a small village and one day, his friend Roberto came to see him after returning from a trip to Paris.

Yossi asked Roberto what was happening in Paris as he had heard they were regularly using the Guillotine.

«Yes, you heard right,” said Roberto, «conditions there are as bad as can be. They are chopping off people’s heads in their thousands.”

«Oy vay,” moaned Yossi, «what ever will happen to my hat business?”

Сonditions there are as bad as can be.

One day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter (однажды еврейская мама и ее восьмилетняя дочка) were walking along the beach (шли вдоль берега, пляжа), just at the water's edge (прямо у кромки воды). Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up (вдруг гигантская волна нахлынула) on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea (сметя маленькую девочку в море).

"Oh, God," lamented (застонала, жаловалась) the mother, turning her face toward heaven (поворачивая свое лицо к небу) and shaking her fist (потрясая кулаком). "This was my ONLY baby (это был мой единственный ребенок). I can't have more children (я больше не могу иметь детей). She is the love and joy of my life (она любовь и радость моей жизни). I have cherished every day (дорожила, наслаждалась каждым днем; to cherish — лелеять, дорожить) that she's been with me (который она была со мной). Give her back to me (отдай мне ее: «дай обратно, назад»), and I'll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!! (и я буду ходить в синагогу каждый день всю оставшуюся жизнь; rest — остаток)"

Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited (вынесла) the girl back on the sand (на песок).

The mother looked up to heaven and said, "She had on a HAT!!! (на ней была шляпка)"

One day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water's edge. Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea.

"Oh, God," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking her fist. "This was my ONLY baby. I can't have more children. She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she's been with me. Give her back to me, and I'll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!!"

Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand.

The mother looked up to heaven and said, "She had on a HAT!!!"

Give it back to me!

Sadie goes to see her rabbi (идет навестить: «повидать» своего рабби); she complains (жалуется) about her very bad headaches (на очень сильные: «плохие» головные боли). She whines (хнычет), cries (плачет), and talks about her poor living conditions (и говорит о своих жалких жизненных условиях) for hours (часами).

All of a sudden (вдруг, совершенно неожиданно), Sadie shouts (выкрикивает), overjoyed (вне себя от радости; joy — радость), "Rabbi, your holy presence (ваше святое присутствие) has cured me! (излечило меня) My headache is gone! (прошла)"

To which the rabbi replies (на что рабби отвечает), "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now (теперь она у меня)."

Sadie goes to see her rabbi; she complains about her very bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.

All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"

To which the rabbi replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."

My headache is gone!

Benny is almost (почти) 32 years old. All his friends are now married (все его друзья теперь женаты), but Benny just dates and dates (только ходит на свидания).

Finally, his friend asks him (наконец, его друг спрашивает его), "What's the matter, Benny? (в чем дело, что происходит) Are you looking for the perfect woman? (ты ищешь совершенную женщину) Are you really that fussy? (ты действительно такой чудак, такой озабоченный; fussy — суетливый, нервный; вычурный, аляповатый; fuss — нервное, беспокойное состояние; суета) Surely you can find someone (наверняка ты можешь найти кого-нибудь) who suits you? (кто тебе подходит)"

"No I just can’t (как раз не могу)," Benny replies. "I meet many nice girls (я встречаю много милых девушек), but as soon as I bring them home (но, как только я привожу их домой) to meet my parents (познакомить: «встретиться» с моими родителями), my mother doesn't like them (моей матери они не нравятся). So I keep on looking! (так что, поэтому продолжаю искать)"

"Listen (послушай)," his friend suggests (предлагает), "why don't you find a girl who's just like your mother? (как твоя мать)"

Many weeks go by (проходят) and again Benny and his friend get together (встречаются: «сходятся вместе»).

"So, have you found the perfect girl yet? (ты уже нашел совершенную девушку /to find-found-found/) One that's just like your mother?"

Benny shrugs his shoulders (пожимает плечами), "Yes, I found one just like mum. Mum loved her right from the start (маме она понравилась с самого начала) and they have become good friends (и они стали хорошими друзьями = подружились)."

"So, do I owe (должен /пожелать/) you a Mazel Tov? (счастья — идиш) Are you and this girl engaged? (вы помолвлены)"

"I'm afraid not (к сожалению нет: «боюсь, что нет»). My father can't stand her! (мой отец терпеть ее не может)"

Benny is almost 32 years old. All his friends are now married, but Benny just dates and dates.

Finally, his friend asks him, "What's the matter, Benny? Are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you really that fussy? Surely you can find someone who suits you?"

"No I just can’t," Benny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "why don't you find a girl who's just like your mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Benny and his friend get together.

"So, have you found the perfect girl? One that's just like your mother?"

Benny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like mum. Mum loved her right from the start and they have become good friends."

"So, do I owe you a Mazel Tov? Are you and this girl engaged yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My father can't stand her!"

What's the matter?

Are you really that fussy?

Surely you can find someone who suits you.

So I keep on looking.

They have become good friends.

I'm afraid not.

I can't stand him!

A guy goes into confession (один «парень» идет на исповедь) and says to the priest (и говорит священнику), "Father, I'm 80 years old, married (женат), have four kids (у меня четыре ребенка) and 11 grandchildren (внуков), and last night I had an affair with two 18-year-old girls (а прошлой ночью у меня было свидание с двумя восемнадцатилетними девушками; affair — связь). I made love with both of them (я занимался любовью с обеими) twice (дважды)."