Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения - Илья Франк

— You're positive it's Abe?

— Absolutely.

— Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty punds?

— Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you called…

Are you positive?

Abe goes to see his rabbi (идет навестить: «повидать» своего рабби).

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening (что-то ужасное происходит) and I have to talk to you about it (и мне нужно поговорить с вами об этом)."

The rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe? (что случилось: «что неправильно»)"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me (отравляет меня; poison — яд)."

The rabbi was very surprised (удивлен) by this and asks, "How can that be? (как это возможно: «может быть»)"

Abe then pleads (уверяет; to pead — защищать /в суде/; обращаться с просьбой; просить, умолять), "I'm telling you (я вам говорю), I'm certain (я уверен) she's poisoning me, what should I do? (что я должен делать = что мне делать)"

The rabbi then offers (тогда предлагает), "Tell you what (вот что я тебе скажу). Let me talk to her (позволь мне поговорить с ней), I'll see what I can find out (я погляжу, что я смогу выяснить; to find — находить) and I'll let you know (и я дам тебе знать)."

A week later the rabbi calls (зовет; звонит) Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife (я говорил с твоей женой /to speak-spoke-spoken/). I spoke to her on the phone (по телефону) for three hours (в течение трех часов). You want my advice? (хочешь мой совет)"

Abe anxiously says (тревожно), "Yes."

"Take the poison (прими яд)," says the rabbi.

Abe goes to see his rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

Abe anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the rabbi.

What's wrong?

What should I do?

Let me talk to her.

I'll see what I can find out.

I'll let you know.

You want my advice?

91-year-old Goldstein and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years (после 66 лет брака) go to their lawyer (идут к их адвокату) to get a divorce (получить развод).

Puzzled (озадаченный), the lawyer asks (спрашивает), "Why did you wait all this time (зачем вы ждали все это время) if you were both so miserable for so long? (если вы оба были такими несчастными так долго)"

The answer (ответ): "We were just waiting for the kids to die (мы просто ждали, пока умрут дети)."

91-year-old Goldstein and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce.

Puzzled, the lawyer asks, "Why did you wait all this time if you were both so miserable for so long?"

The answer: "We were just waiting for the kids to die."

Why did you wait all this time?

Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking (обсуждают свой секс прошлой ночью; to make love — заниматься любовью).

Alberto the Italian (итальянец Альберто) says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over (натер ее всю) with fine olive oil (чудным оливковым маслом; fine — тонкий, утонченный; превосходный), then we make wonderful love (затем мы чудесно занимались любовью). She screamed for five minutes (она кричала /целых/ пять минут)."

Marcel the Frenchman (француз Марсель) says, "I smoothed (намазал; smooth — гладкий, ровный; to smooth — приглаживать, сглаживать; смягчать, смазывать [smu:ð]) sweet butter (сладкое масло) on my wife's body (тело), then we made passionate (страстная) love. She screamed for half an hour (она кричала полчаса)."

Maurice Cohen (Морис Коган) says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz (я покрыл тело жены салом). We made love and she screamed for six hours (шесть часов)."

The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her (как ты заставил ее = сделал так, чтобы она) scream for six hours?"

Maurice shrugs (пожимает плечами). "I wiped my hands on the drapes (я вытер руки о портьеры, драпировку)."

Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.

Alberto the Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

Marcel the Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

Maurice Cohen says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours."

The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"

Maurice shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

We made love.

A businessman boarded a plane (взошел на борт самолета) to find, sitting next to him (и обнаружил: «чтобы обнаружить» сидящую рядом с ним), an elegant Jewish woman (элегантную еврейку) wearing (на которой было; to wear - носить /об одежде, украшениях/) the largest and most stunning (самое крупное и самое потрясающее) diamond ring (кольцо с бриллиантом) he had ever seen (которое он когда-либо видел). He asked her about it (он спросил ее об этом).

"This is the Klopman diamond (это бриллиант Клопмана)," she said. "It is beautiful (он прекрасен, красив), but there is a terrible curse (но /здесь есть/ ужасное проклятье) that goes with it (которое ему сопутствует)."

"What's the curse? (какое проклятие)" the man asked (спросил).

"Mr. Klopman (мистер Клопман)."

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant Jewish woman wearing the largest and most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

This is the most stunning diamond ring I have ever seen.

Bernie is a very wealthy (богатый) man indeed (в самом деле).

One day in June (однажды в июне), he goes on holiday (он отправляется в отпуск, отдохнуть) with his latest (со своей последней), much younger girlfriend (намного моложе /его/ подружкой), Sarah. As the days in the sun wore on (по мере того, как дни на солнце уходили /to wear-wore-worn — носить /одежду/; медленно тянуться /о времени/), Bernie and Sarah began to talk about the differences in their ages and interests between them (начали говорить о разнице в их возрасте и интересах /между ними/ /to begin-began-begun/).

Bernie asked, "If I lost everything (если бы я потерял все /to lose-lost-lost/), all my money, my mansion (мой особняк), my Rolls Royce, tomorrow, would you still love me (ты бы по-прежнему любила меня), Sarah?"

"Yes, darling," said Sarah, "and I’d miss you too (и скучала бы по тебе тоже; to miss — промахнуться; упустить; чувствовать нехватку кого-либо или чего-либо, скучать)."

Bernie is a very wealthy man indeed.

One day in June, he goes on holiday with his latest, much younger girlfriend, Sarah. As the days in the sun wore on, Bernie and Sarah began to talk about the differences in their ages and interests between them.

Bernie asked, "If I lost everything, all my money, my mansion, my Rolls Royce, tomorrow, would you still love me, Sarah?"

"Yes, darling," said Sarah, "and I’d miss you too."

I’ll miss you.

Moishe had been single (был холост) for a long time (долгое время). One day, he excitedly tells his mother (он возбужденно сообщает своей матери) that he's fallen in love at last (что он влюбился наконец) and he is going to get married (и собирается жениться). She is obviously overjoyed (она очевидно переполнена радостью; joy — радость).

Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for fun (просто, только ради шутки), Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women (я приведу сюда трех женщин) and you try and guess (постарайся угадать) which one I'm going to marry (на которой я собираюсь жениться)."

His mother agrees (соглашается).

The next day (на следующий день), Moishe brings 3 beautiful women into the house (приводит в дом трех красивых женщин) and sits them down on the couch (и усаживает их на диван) and they all chat for a while (и все они болтают какое-то время; a while — промежуток времени). Then Moishe turns (поворачивается) to his mother and says, "Okay, Mum. Guess which one I'm going to marry?"

She immediately (сразу) replies, "The redhead in the middle (рыжая в середине)."

"That's amazing (удивительно) Mum. You're right (ты права = угадала»). How did you know? (как ты узнала)"

"I don't like her (она мне не нравится)."

Moishe had been single for a long time. One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love at last and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed.

Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

His mother agrees.

The next day, Moishe brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, "Okay, Mum. Guess which one I'm going to marry?"

She immediately replies, "The redhead in the middle."

"That's amazing, Mum. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Just for fun.

That's amazing!

Benjamin rushes (бросается) to his doctor.

"Doctor, you’ve got to give me something (вы должны дать мне что-нибудь) to make me young again (чтобы сделать меня снова молодым). I’ve got a date (у меня свидание) with this beautiful young girl tonight (с этой красивой молодой девушкой сегодня вечером)."

His doctor said, "Hold on a second (подождите, остановитесь /на/ секундочку; to hold — держать), you’re 70 years old (вам 70 лет), there’s really not a lot I can do for you (я действительно не много для вас могу сделать; a lot — множество, много)."

Benjamin replies, "But doctor, my friend Tony is much older than I am (мой друг Тони намного старше меня: «чем я») and he says he has sex three times a week (а он говорит, что занимается любовью три раза в неделю)."