Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения - Илья Франк

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down ‘cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Oh, I really don't care or mind.

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home (человек навещает свою тетушку в доме для престарелых; to nurse - нянчить; ухаживать за больным). It turns out that she is taking a nap (при этом оказывается, что она дремлет; nap — короткий сон, дремота), so he just sits down in a chair in her room (так что он просто садится на стул в ее комнате), flips through a few magazines (просматривает несколько журналов; to flip — щелкать, ударять слегка; смахнуть /пепел с сигареты/), and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table (жует понемногу арахис, находящийся в вазочке на столе).

Eventually (наконец), the aunt wakes up (тетушка просыпается), and her nephew realizes (и ее племянник понимает) he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl (он по рассеянности прикончил целую вазочку; absent — отсутствующий; mind — ум).

"I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts! (извините, тетушка, я съел весь ваш арахис)"

"That's okay, dearie (все нормально, дорогой)," the aunt replied (ответила). "After I've sucked the chocolate off (после того, как я обсосала шоколад), I don't care for them anyway (меня они все равно не интересуют)."

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl.

"I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

I’ll take a nap.

A man walks into a bar (человек входит в бар) and asks the bartender (и спрашивает бармена), "If I show you a really good trick, (если я покажу тебе действительно классный фокус), will you give me a free drink? (ты дашь мне бесплатную выпивку)"

The bartender considers it (обдумывает это), then agrees (затем соглашается). The man reaches into his pocket (лезет в свой карман) and pulls out a tiny rat (вытаскивает крошечную крысу). He reaches into his other pocket (в другой карман) and pulls out a tiny piano (пианино). The rat stretches (вытягивается), cracks his knuckles (щелкает суставами пальцев), and proceeds to play the blues (принимается играть блюз).

After (после того, как) the man finished (закончил) his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better ("даже лучше") trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening? (весь оставшийся вечер)"

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first (думая, что ни один фокус не может быть лучше первого). The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small frog (лягушку), who (кто; которая) begins (начинает) to sing along (подпевать) with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying (наслаждается) his beverages (напитки; beverage [ˈbevǝrɪdʒ]), a stranger (незнакомец) confronts ("встает напротив") him and offers (предлагает) him $100,000.00 for the frog. "Sorry," the man replies (отвечает), "he's not for sale (она не для продажи)."

The stranger increases (увеличивает) the offer to $250,000.00 cash (наличными). "No," he insists (настаивает), "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally (наконец) agrees, and turns the frog over (и передает лягушку) to the stranger in exchange for the money (в обмен на деньги).

"Are you insane? (вы ненормальный)" the bartender demanded (спрашивает). "That frog could have been worth millions to you (могла бы принести вам миллионы; worth - стоящий, имеющий ценность), and you let him go for a mere (а вы отдали ее всего-то за) $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it (не волнуйтесь "об этом")," the man answered (ответил). "The frog was really nothing special (лягушка не была чем-то особенным). You see (видите ли), the rat's a ventriloquist (чревовещательница)."

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small frog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the frog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Don't worry about it.

A man is in a bar (человек в баре) and falling off his stool (падает со стула) every couple of minutes (каждые две минуты). He is obviously (явно, очевидно) drunk (пьян). So (поэтому) the bartender says to another man in the bar (говорит другому человеку в баре): "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home (почему бы тебе не быть добрым самаритянином и не отвести его домой)."

The man takes the drunk out the door (выводит пьяного за дверь) and to his car (к его машине) and he stumbles (спотыкается) at least ten times (по крайней мере десять раз). They drive along (едут) and the drunk points out (показывает, указывает на) his house (его дом) to the man.

He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps (спотыкаясь, поднимается по лестнице) to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife (жена) greets (встречает) them at the door: "Why (здесь: что ж), thank you for bringing him (спасибо, что привели его) home for me, but where is his wheel chair? (но где же его инвалидное кресло)"

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why, thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

Take him home, please.

A serious drunk (сильно пьяный) walked into a bar (зашел в бар) and, after staring for some time (после некоторого времени пристального смотрения) at the only woman seated at the bar (на единственную женщину, сидевшую в баре; to seat — сидеть, усесться), walked over (подошел) to her and kissed her (поцеловал). She jumped up (вскочила) and slapped him (ударила, дала пощечину; slap — пощечина, шлепок). He immediately (немедленно, тут же) apologized (извинился) and explained (объяснил), "I'm sorry (простите). I thought (я думал) you were my wife (вы моя жена). You look exactly like her (вы выглядите в точности как она)."

"Why you worthless (никчемный; worth — ценность, стоимость), insufferable (невыносимый, невозможный; to suffer — страдать; терпеть, сносить), wretched (жалкий), no good drunk! (негодный пьяница)" she screamed (завопила, закричала).

"Funny (забавно)," he muttered (пробормотал), "you even sound exactly like her (вы даже "звучите" точно как она)."

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

I'm sorry.

You look exactly like her.

Funny.

Two guys were in a bar (два парня были в баре), and they were both watching the television (оба смотрели телевизор) when the news came on (когда начались новости /to come-came-come — приходить/). It showed (показали) a guy on a bridge (парня на мосту) who was about to jump (который собирался прыгнуть), obviously suicidal (очевидно самоубийца; suicidal — самоубийственный [sjuɪˈsaɪdl]; suicide — самоубийство).

"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump (ставлю 10 долларов — он прыгнет; to bet — держать пари)," said the first guy (сказал первый).

"Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy (ставлю 10 долларов — он этого не сделает).

Then (затем, потом), the guy on the television closed his eyes (закрыл глаза) and threw himself off the bridge (бросился с моста /to throw-threw-thrown — бросать, кидать/). The second guy hands (вручает, передает) the first guy the money (деньги).

"I can't take your money (я не могу взять /твои/ деньги)," said the first guy. "I cheated you (я надул тебя). The same story (та же самая история) was on the five o'clock news (была в пятичасовых новостях)."