Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения - Илья Франк

Do you mind my asking you all of these questions?

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven (все на Земле умирают и отправляются на небеса). God comes and says (Бог приходит и говорит), "I want the men to make two lines (я хочу, чтобы мужчины составили два ряда, построились в два ряда). One line for the men that dominated their women on earth (доминировали, главенствовали над своими женами на Земле) and the other line for the men that were whipped (были покорены: «высечены») by their women. Also (также), I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done (сказано — сделано), the next time, God looks (в следующий раз Бог смотрит) the women are gone ("ушедшие") and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long (длиной 100 миль), on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man (был только один человек).

God got mad (разгневался /to get-got-got/: «стал рассерженным»; mad — сумасшедший, безумный; рассерженный) and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves (вы, мужчины, должны стыдится самих себя). I created you in my image (я создал вас по своему образу), and you were all whipped by your mates (вашими супругами). Look at the only one of my sons (посмотрите на всего лишь одного из моих сыновей) that stood up and made me proud (который был на высоте, выстоял и "сделал меня гордым" /to stand-stood-stood/; to stand up — вставать; оказываться прочным), learn from him! (учитесь у него) Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line? (скажи им, сын мой, как ты ухитрился быть единственным в этом ряду)"

The man said, "I don't know (я не знаю). My wife told me to stand here (моя жена сказала мне встать здесь /to tell-told-told/)."

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, learn from him! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?"

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Learn from him!

While sports fishing off the Florida coast (во время спортивной рыбалки у побережья Флориды), a tourist capsized his boat (турист опрокинул лодку). He could swim (он умел плавать /can-could/), but his fear of alligators (но его боязнь крокодилов) kept him clinging to the overturned craft (заставляла его держаться за перевернутую посудину; craft — судно).

Spotting an old beachcomber (заметив старого бродягу: beach — пляж + to comb — чесать; beachcomber — житель тихоокеанских островов, зарабатывающий на жизнь добыванием жемчуга и подобными вещами) standing on the shore (стоящего на берегу), the tourist shouted (закричал),"Are there any gators around here?! (здесь есть крокодилы)"

"Naw (не-е)," the man hollered back (откликнулся; to holler — орать), "they ain't been around for years! (их нет здесь уже годы; ain’t = have not, are not, is not)"

Feeling safe (почувствовав себя в безопасности), the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore (начал плыть расслабленно по направлению к берегу).

About halfway there (на полпути туда) he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators? (как вы избавились от крокодилов)"

"We didn't do nothin' (мы ничего не делали)," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em (акулы их съели)."

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

How'd you get rid of the gators?

An avid duck hunter (заядлый: «страстный, жадный» охотник на уток) was in the market for a new bird dog (пришел был в магазин за новой собакой для охоты /на птицу/). His search ended (его поиск окончился; to search — искать, просматривать) when he found a dog (когда он нашел собаку /to find-found-found/) that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck (которая могла фактически идти по воде для того, чтобы достать утку; to retrieve — извлекать, вынимать; доставать и приносить охотнику дичь).

Shocked by his find (потрясенный своей находкой), he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him (он был уверен, что никто из его друзей никогда не поверит ему).

He decided to try (он решил попробовать) to break the news (поделиться новостью) to a friend of his (со своим другом), the eternal pessimist (вечным пессимистом) who refused to be impressed with anything (который отказывался "быть впечатленным", поражаться чему-либо). This, surely, would impress him (это, конечно, его впечатлит). He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog (он пригласил его поохотиться с ним и с его новой собакой).

As they waited by the shore (когда они ждали на берегу), a flock of ducks flew by (стая уток пролетела мимо /to fly-flew-flown/). They fired, and a duck fell (они выстрелили, и утка упала /to fall-fell-fallen/). The dog responded (среагировала; to respond — отвечать, реагировать) and jumped into the water (прыгнула в воду). The dog, however (однако), did not sink (не погрузилась /to sink-sank-sunk/) but instead (вместо этого) walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet (не намочив ничего, кроме лап). This continued all day long (это продолжалось весь день); each time (каждый раз) a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface (по поверхности) of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully (наблюдал внимательно), saw everything (видел все), but did not say a single word (но не сказал ни единого слова).

On the drive home (по пути /в машине/ домой) the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? (ты заметил что-нибудь необычное в моем новом псе)"

"I sure did (конечно, да)," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim (он не умеет плавать)."

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Did you notice anything unusual about it?

Tom was so excited (был так взволнован) about his promotion (по поводу своего продвижения по службе) to Vice President (до вице-президента) of the company he worked for (компании, в которой он работал) and kept bragging (продолжал хвастаться) about it (этим: «об этом») to his wife (своей жене) for weeks (недели напролет).

Finally (наконец) she couldn't take it any longer (она не могла терпеть, выносить это дольше), and told him (и сказала ему /to tell-told-told/), "Listen (послушай), it means nothing (это ничего не значит), they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store! («у них» есть даже главный (вице-президент) по гороху в продуктовом магазине)."

"Really? (правда)" he said (сказал он /to say-said-said/). Not sure if this was true or not (неуверенный в том, правда это или нет), Tom decided to call (решил позвонить) the grocery store.

A clerk answers (секретарь отвечает) and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas? (пожалуйста, могу я поговорить с вице-президентом по гороху)"

The clerk replies (отвечает), "Canned or frozen? (консервированному или замороженному; to freeze — замораживать)"

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

Listen, it means nothing.

Really?

Can I please talk to the Vice President?

Two men were digging a ditch (двое /людей/ копали ров) on a very hot day (очень жарким днем).

One said to the other (один сказал другому), "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch (почему мы внизу в этой дыре, яме копаем ров) when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree? (когда наш начальник стоит там наверху в тени дерева)"

"I don't know (я не знаю)," responded the other (ответил другой). "I'll ask him (я спрошу его)."

So he climbed out of the hole (он вылез из ямы) and went to his boss (и подошел к начальнику). "Why (почему) are we digging in the hot sun (на жарком солнце) and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence (смекалка; сообразительность /- вот причина/)," the boss said.

"What do you mean, 'intelligence'? (что вы имеете в виду, сообразительность)"