Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения - Илья Франк

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"

Oh really?

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy (местный шериф искал заместителя), so Homer (и Гомер) - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket (который не был самым острым гвоздем в ведре = звезд с неба не хватал) - went in to try out for the job (пришел попробоваться на этот пост).

"Okay," the sheriff drawled (шериф протянул), "Homer, what is 1 and 1? (сколько будет 1 и 1)"

"11," he replied (он ответил).

The sheriff thought to himself (подумал про себя), "That's not what I meant, but he's right (это не то, что я имел в виду, но он прав /to mean-meant-meant/)."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? (какие два дня недели начинаются с буквы "Т" /имеются в виду Tuesday — вторник и Thursday — четверг/)"

"Today and tomorrow (сегодня и завтра)."

He was again surprised (он был опять удивлен) that Homer supplied a correct answer (дал: «предоставил» правильный ответ) that he had never thought of himself (до которого он сам никогда не додумывался).

"Now Homer, listen carefully (слушай внимательно): Who killed (кто убил) Abraham Lincoln?"

Homer looked a little surprised himself (посмотрел несколько удивленно "сам" = в свою очередь), then thought really hard (затем действительно серьезно подумал) for a minute (с минуту) and finally admitted (и, наконец, признался), "I don't know (я не знаю)."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while? (ну, почему бы тебе не пойти домой и не поработать над этим пока что, какое-то время)"

So, Homer wandered over to the pool hall (вышел в холл бюро) where his pals (где его приятели) were waiting to hear the results of the interview (ждали, "чтобы услышать" результаты собеседования). Homer was exultant (ликующий; exultant [ɪɡˈzʌlt(ǝ)nt]).

"It went great! (прошло замечательно) First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case! (в первый день работы я уже работаю над делом об убийстве)"

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Homer — who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket — went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Homer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11," he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Homer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Homer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Homer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Homer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Homer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

That's not what I meant.

It went great!

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife (заключенный в тюрьме получил письмо от своей жены):

"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden (я решила посадить салат в огороде; lettuce [ˈletɪs]). When is the best time to plant them? (когда лучшее время сажать его)"

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards (зная, что тюремные охранники) read all the mail (читают всю почту), replied in a letter (ответил в письме):

"Dear Wife (милая жена), whatever you do (что бы ты ни делала), DO NOT touch the back garden! (не трогай огород) That is where I hid all the gold (там я спрятал все золото /to hide-hid-hidden/)."

A week or so later (неделю или около того спустя), he received another (другое) letter from his wife:

"You wouldn't believe what happened (ты не поверишь, что случилось). Some men came with shovels (несколько мужчин пришли с лопатами) to the house (к дому), and dug up the whole back garden (и перекопали весь огород /to dig-dug-dug/)."

The prisoner wrote (написал /to write-wrote-written/) another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce! (сейчас — лучшее время сажать салат)"

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:

"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

You wouldn't believe what happened!

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house (полицейская машина останавливается напротив дома бабушки Бесси), and grandpa Morris gets out (и дедушка Моррис выходит).

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park… (вежливый, обходительный полицейский объяснил, что этот пожилой господин сказал, что он потерялся в парке) and couldn't find his way home (и не мог найти дорогу домой).

"Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! (ты ходил в этот парк больше 30 лет) So how could you get lost? (как ты мог потеряться)"

Leaning close to grandma (наклоняясь близко к бабушке), so that the policeman couldn't hear (так, чтобы полицейский не мог слышать), Morris whispered (прошептал)," I wasn't lost… I was just too tired to walk home (я был слишком усталым, чтобы идти домой /пешком/)."

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost… I was just too tired to walk home."

I was just too tired to walk.

A rabbi and a priest are driving one day (раввин и священник едут однажды /на автомобилях/) and, by a freak accident ("по иронии судьбы", по причудливой случайности), have a head-on collision with tremendous force ("имеют" лобовое столкновение со страшной силой; tremendous — жуткий, потрясающий). Both cars are totally demolished (обе машины совершенно разбиты; to demolish — разрушать), but amazingly (но удивительно), neither of the clerics has a scratch on him (ни у кого из священнослужителей нет даже царапины).

After they crawl out of their cars (после того, как они выползают из своих машин), the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says (раввин видит воротничок священника и говорит), "So you're a priest (так вы священник). I'm a rabbi (я раввин).

Just look at our cars (посмотрите на наши машины).

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt (/от них/ ничего не осталось, а мы здесь, невредимы; to hurt — причинить боль, ранить).

This must be a sign from God! (это должен быть = это, должно быть, знак Божий)"

Pointing to the sky, he continues (показывая на небо, он продолжает), "God must have meant that we should meet (Бог, должно быть, подразумевал, что мы встретимся) and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth (и разделим = проведем "наши жизни" в мире и дружбе до конца наших дней на Земле)."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely (я согласен с вами полностью).

This must surely (конечно) be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims (смотрит на свою машину и восклицает), "And look at this! (а посмотрите на это)

Here's another miracle! (вот другое = еще одно чудо)

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine did not break (моя машина совершенно разбита, но эта бутылка вина не разбилась).

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune (конечно, Господь хочет, чтобы мы выпили это вино и отметили нашу благую судьбу; to celebrate — праздновать)."

The priest nods in agreement (кивает в знак согласия).

The rabbi hands (дает, передает) the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle (пьет полбутылки) and hands the bottle back (обратно) to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes (берет) the bottle and immediately puts the cap on (тут же надевает крышку), then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled (сбитый с толку), asks (спрашивает), "Aren't you having any, rabbi? (а разве вы не будете немного, рабби)"

The rabbi replies, "Nah… I think I'll wait for the police (нет, я думаю, я подожду полицию)."

A rabbi and a priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.

Just look at our cars.

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.

This must be a sign from God!"

Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.

This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!

Here's another miracle!

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine did not break.

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah… I think I'll wait for the police."

I agree with you completely.

Aren't you having any?

Juggler (жонглер), driving to his next performance (ехавший на свое очередное выступление), was stopped by the police (был остановлен полицией). "What are those knives doing in your car? (что эти ножи делают в вашей машине)" asked the officer (спросил офицер).