Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы - Виктор Миловидов

So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother's room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the driver's license. After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says, «I know how old you are! You are 35!» The mother is very surprised. «And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?» The mother is shocked. «And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.»

The mother, dumbfounded asked, «Why?»

«It's because you got an F in sex.»

Words and Expressions:

mall торговый центр

Mommy ласк. мама

darling дорогой

age возраст

to demand спрашивать

grown-up взрослый

to weigh весить

someday как-нибудь; на днях

to insist настаивать

exasperation раздражение

painful болезненный

to recount вспоминать

conversation разговор

to overcome преодолевать

license лицензия

to recommend советовать, рекомендовать

to sneak подкрадываться, пробираться

to rummage шарить, рыться

purse кошелек, бумажник

to examine исследовать, осматривать

carefully внимательно, тщательно

to shock шокировать

F сокр.female обозначение пола в документах

F буквенный индекс низшей оценки за успеваемость в американских школах

sex пол; секс

Never mind! Забудь! Не обращай внимания!

driver's license водительские права

report card «личное дело», в школьной практике – табель, дневник

dumbfounded ошарашенный

Section 38

Jelly beans

There once was a little blonde girl who wore a dress to school every day and really loved jelly beans more than anything. The boys at her school decided to take full advantage of this and one day approached her and offered to give her a bag filled with 50 jelly beans if she would climb the schoolyard flagpole. She did and came back down so the boys gave her the jelly beans.

That day she came running home and yelled to her mom, «Mommy! Mommy! Today the boys at school gave me 50 jelly beans to climb the flagpole at school!»

The mother shook her head and replied, «Oh no! They just did that so they could see up your dress and see your panties! I don't want you to ever do this again!»

So the next day the boys offered her 100 jelly beans to climb the flagpole. She did, they gave her the jelly beans and she ran home again and said to her mother, «Mommy! Look! Today they gave me 100 jelly beans for climbing the flagpole!»

The mother got upset and told her, «They just did that so they could see your panties!!! Listen to me! I don't want you to ever let this happen again!»

So the next day the boys offered her 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole. She did without haste and ran home again and shouted with a wide smile on her face, «Mommy! Look! I got 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole today!»

The mother said, «What have I been telling you the past couple days?! They're just doing that to see your panties!»

The little girl replied still smiling widely, «I know! I know! But this time I tricked them! I didn't wear any!»

Words and Expressions:

blonde блондинка

to offer предлагать

to climb забираться

schoolyard школьный двор

flagpole флагшток

panties трусики

widely широко

to trick обманывать

jelly beans сорт конфет

without haste без спешки

Section 39

Grandpa and granddaughter

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, «Did God make you, Grandpa?»

«Yes, God made me,» the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, «Did God make me too?»

«Yes, He did,» the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. «You know, Grandpa,» she said, «God's doing a lot better job lately.»

Words and Expressions:

God Бог

reflection отражение

lately последнее время

Section 40

Gift from god

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

"Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00."

Words and Expressions:

to request просить, требовать

postal почтовый

authorities власти

to receive получать

President президент

to touch трогать (тж. перен.)

to amuse забавлять

to instruct инструктировать, делать распоряжения

however тем не менее, вместе с тем

Washington D.C. адрес почтового округа «Вашингтон, округ Колумбия»

bastard ублюдок

to deduct фин. вычитать

to want sth badly сильно хотеть чего-л.

to appear to be казаться

to be delighted быть обрадованным

a thank you note разг. письмо с благодарностью

for some reason по той или иной причине

as usual разг. как обычно

Section 41

Learning to swear

A seven-year-old and his four-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The seven-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them learn to swear. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the seven-year-old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass' ". The four-year-old happily agrees.

As the boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The seven-year-old replies, «Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some cornflakes.»

WHACK!

The seven-year-old runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.

With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son,

«And what would YOU like for breakfast?»

«I don't know!» the four-year-old blubbers. «But you can bet your ass it's not gonna be cornflakes!»

Words and Expressions:

to swear ругаться

enthusiastically с энтузиазмом

hell ад; черт!

cornflakes кукурузные хлопья

WHACK! Бац!

to bawl громко вопить

to rub потирать

behind разг. зад

to blubber реветь

to bet биться об заклад, ставить на кон

Section 42

Career day at school

It's career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parents would do if they were here today.

Little Rodney stands up and says," My father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook."

«Good Rodney,» says the teacher. «How about you, Johnny?»

Johnny stands up and stammers, "My father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no … L-E-C-H-

no… "

The teacher interrupts, «Never mind, Johnny, sit down. How about you, Vinnie?»

Vinnie stands up and says, «My dad's a bookie, that's B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he'd give you ten to one odds that there's no way Johnny's ever gonna spell electrician!»

Words and Expressions:

career карьера, профессия

to state утверждать, заявлять

occupation род занятий

to spell произносить по буквам

accountant бухгалтер

to balance фин. сводить счеты, выводить баланс

checkbook чековая книжка

to stammer заикаться, лепетать

electrician электрик

bookie разг.bookmaker букмейкер

odds разница, преимущество

he'd give you ten to one odds он даст вам десять против одного

Section 43

Better grades

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades… somebody is going to get a spanking… "

Words and Expressions:

to tap похлопать (по плечу)

shoulder плечо

to scare пугать

grade оценка, отметка

to spank шлепать

to get a spanking получить нахлобучку, шлепки

Section 44

Circumcised

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, «Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!»

«Well, I've been circumcised,» answered the other one. «Huh, what's that mean?» asked the first boy. «It means they cut the skin off the end,» said the second one. The first boy was very puzzled, «How old were you when it was cut off?»

The second boy replied, «My Mom said I was only two days old.»

«Wow, did it hurt?» the first boy wondered. The second boy responded without hesitation, «You bet it hurt… I couldn't walk for a year!»

Words and Expressions:

to circumcise мед. обрезать

potty сленг туалет, обычно детский

to pee разг. писать

skin кожа

hurt болеть, ранить, причинять боль

You bet it hurt… Бьюсь об заклад, болело…

Section 45

Of little johnny

I. Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

II. Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I'm little Johnny.

III. Teacher: Little Johnny, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

IV. Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Little Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

V. Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

Little Johnny: I hope you didn't either.

VI. Little Johnny: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.

Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

VII. Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Little Johnny: One dollar.

Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

Little Johnny (sadly): You don't know my father.

Words and Expressions:

Johnny американский аналог русского Вовочки

to behave вести себя

to punish наказывать

since так как

to chew жевать

gum резина, каучук, резинка

chewing gum жевательная резинка