Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы - Виктор Миловидов

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don't they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your bra up the flagpole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you, I know that I am forgiven. Even though I no longer work there, I will do my best to come to the picnic next Friday.

Words and Expressions:

apology извинение

beloved любимый

to be aware осознавать

baboon павиан, бабуин

whore проститутка, шлюха

strictly строго; в строгом смысле

figment фикция, вымысел

imagination воображение

undoubtedly без сомнения

water cooler аппарат для охлаждения воды

incident происшествие, случай

jug кувшин, сосуд

regrets сожаления

defense защита

to remind напоминать

escapade эскапада, проделка

stairway лестница

bannister перила

landing лестничная площадка

rupture перелом

to incur получать (ранение)

to land приземляться

to admit признавать

cuss сленг тупой малый

to forgive прощать

goose yсленг дурак

story этаж

to regret сожалеть (о чем-л.)

fireman пожарник

false alarm ложная тревога

fire hoses пожарные шланги

pressure давление

broom closet хозяйственное помещение (чулан для швабр)

to startle пугать

to bump ударять(ся)

chin подбородок

dentist дантист

plates вставные челюсти

excuse извинение

to embarrass ошеломлять, ставить в неловкое положение

bra разг. бюстгальтер

flagpole флагшток

to urinate мед. мочиться

to apologize извиняться

son of a bitch сукин сын

deaf and dumb глухонемой

in spite of несмотря на

to break a fall разг. прерывать падение

it makes me sick (при мысли об этом) меня тошнит, мне плохо

to pass out сленг вырубаться

bad taste дурной вкус

Section 59

New year's eve at the pub

One New Year's Eve Judy stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Words and Expressions:

the stroke of midnight момент наступления полуночи

kind of разг. типа

to crush to death задавить насмерть

Section 60

New year's eve at the pub – 2

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

«Why of course?» comes the reply.

The first man then asks, «Where are you from?»

«I'm from Ireland,» replies the second man.

The first man responds, «You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.»

«Of course,» replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, «Where in Ireland are you from?»

«Dublin,» comes the reply.

«I can't believe it,» says the first man. «I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.»

«Of course,» replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, «What school did you go to?»

«Saint Mary's,» replies the second man. «I graduated in '62.»

«This is unbelievable!» the first man says. «I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!»

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

«What's been going on?» he asks the bartender. «Nothing much,» replies the bartender. «The O'Malley twins are drunk again.»

Words and Expressions:

to stumble up подходить, спотыкаясь

patron постоянный посетитель

to graduate заканчивать школу

regular постоянный посетитель

Why of course? А почему бы и нет?

You don't say! Не может быть!

another round to Ireland еще один раз (стаканчик) за Ирландию

What's been going on? Что происходит?

Section 61

The work crew

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched while a man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. Then another man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. «I can't stand this,» said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

«Hold it, hold it,» he said to the men. «Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?»

«Well, we work for the county,» one of the men said.

«But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?»

«You don't understand, mister,» one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. «Normally there's three of us: me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work and get paid.»

Words and Expressions:

crew бригада, команда

rural сельский

gas station автозаправочная станция

tank бак

soft легкий, мягкий; зд. безалкогольный

cola кока-кола

to move on двигаться дальше

to fill in заполнять, засыпать

to toss пихать, совать

trash мусор, отходы

container контейнер

county округ, район, графство

to accomplish завершать, заканчивать

to waste тратить попусту

to lean склоняться, наклоняться, опираться (на что-л.)

shovel лопата

to wipe вытирать

brow лоб

to stick втыкать, вставлять

dirt грязь, почва, земля

to be sick болеть

to come along идти следом, подходить

Hold it! Постой! Подожди!

that don't mean разг that doesn't mean

Section 62

Job applicants

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, «What do two plus two equal?»

The mathematician replies, «Four.»

The interviewer asks, «Four, exactly?»

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, «Yes, four, exactly.»

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question, «What do two plus two equal?»

The accountant says, «On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.»

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, «What do two plus two equal?»

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, «What do you want it to equal?»

Words and Expressions:

job работа, рабочее место

applicant соискатель, претендент на рабочее место

mathematician математик

interviewer интервьюер, проводящий собеседование

to call in вызывать (в кабинет)

to equal равняться, быть равным

exactly точно

incredulous недоверчивый, скептический

percent процент, проценты

to lock запирать (дверь)

shade жалюзи, шторы

to apply for подавать заявление о приеме

What do two plus two equal? Чему равняется два плюс два?

on average в среднем

give or take ten percent плюс-минус десять процентов

to pose a question задавать вопрос, ставить вопрос

Section 63

Schubert's productivity

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

Words and Expressions:

productivity производительность (труда)

chairman президент

ticket билет

performance исполнение

unfinished неоконченный

symphony симфония

invitation приглашение

plausible вероятный, правдоподобный

memorandum меморандум, служебная записка

as follows следующим образом

considerable значительный

oboe муз. гобой

to reduce сокращать