Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы - Виктор Миловидов

fumes запахи, испарения

guts кишки

to suffer страдать

warning предупреждение

dawn рассвет

feast пир, праздничное пиршество

pumpkin pie тыквенный пирог

mashed potatoes картофельное пюре

gravy грейви, подливка

innards внутренности

to occur приходить в голову, случаться

to solve решать (проблему, задачу)

devilish дьявольский

grin усмешка, гримаса

bowl миска

flatulent мед. страдающий от газов

soundly asleep крепко спящий

gently мягко, нежно

shorts трусы, шорты

underwear нижнее белье

to replace перекладывать

trumpet муз. труба, горн

trumpeting трубящий

to curdle сворачиваться (о крови)

scream вопль

frantic яростный

footsteps шаги

to roll кататься

to stain покрывать пятнами

horror ужас

lip губа

grace грация; зд. милость

to break wind испускать ветры

I can't help it Я ничего не могу с этим поделать

to wave sth away отмахиваться от чего-л., отгонять что-л.

bloodcurdling scream вопль, от которого стынет кровь

to tear up (о глазах) наливаться слезами

she had finally gotten even от get even свести счеты

to keep from sth удерживаться от чего-л.

by the grace of God and these two fingers… по милости Божьей и благодаря этим двум пальцам…

I got'em back in = I got them… я засунул их назад

Section 54

The costume party

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed.

She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new «action».

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, «Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.»

Then she asked, «Did you dance much?»

He replied, «I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you … the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!»

Words and Expressions:

costume костюм; костюмированный (о вечеринке, бале)

party вечеринка

swanky сленг элегантный, шикарный

to mask надевать маску

Halloween Хэллоуин

devoted преданный (о мужьях и женах)

to protest протестовать

to argue спорить

aspirin аспирин

to miss пропускать, лишаться чего-л.

fun удовольствие, развлечение

pain боль

hubby сленг муженек

to spot выслеживать

to cavort прыгать, скакать

chick сленг девушка, девица

to сор сленг взять или украсть что-л.

a feel сленг прикосновение (обычно – к лицу противоположного пола)

to sidle подходить, ходить бочком

seductive соблазнительная

babe сленг крошка

to devote посвящать

"action" зд. дельце

to whisper шептать

proposition предложение

to unmask снять маску

notorious пользующийся дурной славой, заслуживающий осуждения

behavior поведение

den притон, вертеп; зд. комната для игры

poker покер

to loan одолжить

no need for sth нет нужды в чем-л.

to have some kicks сленг получить удовольствие, кайф

to cop a feel сленг прижить, украдкой прикоснуться

high and dry сленг брошенный, оставленный

so off they went и они отправились прочь

to have a little bang сленг слегка поразвлечься

sure had one helluva time = surely had a hell of a time наверняка чертовски хорошо провел время

Section 55

Pat the irishman

There once was an Irishman named Pat, who was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching in the St. Patrick's Day parade.

Pat went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, «Who are you?» and Pat replied, «My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade.»

St. Peter checked up in his book and saw all this information was true. So he said to Pat, «Yes, this is all true, so here is a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play „When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.“ You've earned it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven.»

Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and it starts to play «When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.» He heads out into heaven, a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around for two whole days. However, on the third day, he's driving down the main expressway in heaven with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a pink and white two-tone cloud roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat has just enough time to see that the person driving the pink and white two-tone cloud has a long nose and a darkish complexion.

Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway, charges back to the Pearly Gates, jumps off of his little green cloud and stalks up to St. Peter.

He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm an Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song «When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.»

St. Peter, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says, «Pat, shush! He's the boss's son!»

Words and Expressions:

parade парад

heaven рай, небеса

harp арфа

to push нажимать, толкать

button кнопка

to earn зарабатывать

to punch бить кулаком

expressway скоростная дорога, проспект

pink розовый

two-tone двухцветный

to roar реветь, рычать, грохотать

organ муз. орган

celestial небесный

complexion цвет лица

U-turn поворот на 180 градусов

to charge back разг. рвануть назад

to stalk up подходить с гордым видом

tiny маленький

insignificant незначительный

huge огромный

to head out into двигаться к чему-л.

to play full blast сленг играть во всю мочь

Shush! Тихо!

Section 56

St. patrick's day engagement

An Irishman, by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned it to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

«It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day,» he smiled. «I gave you a sham rock.»

Words and Expressions:

engagement помолвка

to propose делать предложение

ring кольцо

synthetic синтетический

diamond алмаз

lass разг. девушка, возлюбленная

jeweler ювелир

vehement неистовый, пылкий

in honor в честь

sham поддельный

rock камень

shamrock трилистник (национальная эмблема Ирландии)

Section 57

At the post office

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing «Love» stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?' "

«But why?» asks the curious fellow.

«I'm a divorce lawyer,» the gentleman replies.

Words and Expressions:

bald лысый 

balding лысеющий

counter прилавок, стойка

methodically методично

to place зд. наклеивать

stamp марка

envelope конверт

heart сердце

perfume духи

to spray разбрызгивать

scent духи

to sign подписывать

lawyer адвокат

his curiosity getting the better of him любопытство берет в нем верх

Guess who? Догадайся, от кого это?

Section 58

A letter of apology

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a «dirty son of a bitch» to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Year's Eve Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you that evening. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.