Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы - Виктор Миловидов

chewing gum жевательная резинка

stupid глупый

to deserve заслуживать

zero ноль; низшая оценка

mark оценка, отметка

arithmetic арифметика

to break a promise нарушать обещание

to keep a promise сдержать обещание

Section 46

Naming the baby

The proud young mother was discussing with her husband what they should call the new baby. «I've made up my mind,» she declared firmly, «we'll call her Penelope.» The husband didn't like the name at all, but he decided to be subtle about it.

«That's a lovely name, dear,» he said. «The first girl I ever went out with was called Penelope and it will bring back pleasant memories.»

«I think we'll call her Mary, after my mother,» said the wife.

Words and Expressions:

subtle мягкий, вкрадчивый

lovely милый

pleasant приятный

memories воспоминания

to make up one's mind решать

to be subtle about sth не высказываться резко о чем-л.

to go out with ходить на свидание с (кем-л.)

to call sb after sb называть кого-л. в чью-л. честь

Section 47

Twins

Once there were two twins at the age of eight who were completely opposite, one always had a good attitude and a positive outlook on life, the other was always negative and found something to whine about in everything.

When Christmas was around the corner that year their parents decided to try and balance out the brothers' attitudes. For the negative son they bought a brand new bike. For the possitive son they went out to a farm and filled a box full of horse crap.

Christmas came and the parents watched their reactions. The negative son opened his gift first, finding the new bike. Immediately he began to complain, «It's too cold out to ride a bike, I don't even know how to ride one, I hate this gift!»

Just then the possitive son started to open his gift. With his parents watching, he pulled back the flaps on the box and peered in at its contents. He stood silent for a moment and then shouted excitedly, "There's gotta be a horse around Here somewhere!!!"

Words and Expressions:

once однажды

twins близнецы

completely полностью

opposite противоположный

attitude отношение (к жизни), взгляд (на жизнь)

positive позитивный, оптимистичный

outlook мировоззрение

negative негативный, пессимистичный

to whine скулить, хныкать

around the corner за углом, на подходе

a brand new bike новехонький, с иголочки велосипед

horse crap лошадиный навоз

gift подарок

to complain жаловаться

to hate ненавидеть

flaps (у коробки) створки крышки

to peer заглядывать

contents содержимое, содержание

excited возбужденный

there's gotta be a horse around разг.there has got to be a horse

around здесь поблизости где-то должна быть лошадь

Section 48

Glass of water

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad… " «What?»

«I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?» «No. You had your chance. Lights out!» Five minutes later:

"Da-aaaad… " «WHAT?»

«I'm THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?»

«I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!»

Five minutes later…

«WHAT?!»

«When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?»

Words and Expressions:

thirsty испытывающий жажду

a drink of water немного воды

to have one's chance иметь шанс

Lights out! Свет гаси!

Section 49

The christmas pet

A man wanted to buy a new pet for a Christmas present, so he went to the pet shop and asked the shop clerk what he would recommend. «Well,» the clerk said, pointing out a large bird, «we have this parrot here, and he not only talks, he sings. I'll show you.» The clerk then lit a match and held it under the parrot's right foot. Immediately, the bird began singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way… "

«That's amazing,» the customer said. «What does he sing when you hold a match under his left foot?»

The clerk immediately lit a match and held it under the bird's left foot. The bird quickly started singing, "I'll have a blue, blue Christmas, without you… "

The customer couldn't believe what he heard. Finally he asked, «What does he do when you hold the match between his feet?»

The clerk lit a match and held it there. The bird hesitated a moment, then began singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire… "

Words and Expressions:

pet питомец, домашнее животное или птица

to light зажигать 

match спичка

customer посетитель, покупатель

blue зд. грустный, печальный

chestnut каштан

to roast жарить

for a present в качестве подарка

«Jingle Bells…» рождественская песня

«I'll have a blue Christmas without you…» грустная рождественская песня

open fire открытый огонь

«Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…» старинная застольная песня

Section 50

Why the little angel is at the top of the christmas tree

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.

The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad.

All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa – filled with rage – threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, «Hi, Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?»

Words and Expressions:

top макушка

annual ежегодный

trip поездка, путешествие

pants штаны

to rip разрывать(ся)

tight тесный

to check проверять

preparations приготовления

elf эльф

strike забастовка

reindeer северный олень

shin-splints перелом голени

bummed сленг расстроен, удручен, выведен из себя

to calm успокаивать

to knock стучать (в дверь)

angry сердитый, злой

state состояние

to ignore не обращать внимания

rage ярость angelангел

Christmas Eve канун Рождества

Santa Claus Санта Клаус

on strike бастовать

all of sudden разг. all of a sudden неожиданно

to be in no mood for sth разг. быть не в настроении для чего-л.

Section 51

I don't want to go

Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, «The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.»

«Oh yeah?» her young grandson replied. «So why is their dad carrying that rifle?»

Words and Expressions:

pilgrim паломник, пилигрим; зд. первые переселенцы в Америку

to observe замечать, отмечать

rifle ружье

Thanksgiving Day День Благодарения

Section 52

On thanksgivingday

He laid her on the tableSo white clean and bare.His forehead wet with beads of sweatHe rubbed her here and there.He touched her neck and then her breastAnd then drooling felt her thigh.The slit was wet and all was set,He gave a joyous cry.The hole was wide…he looked insideAll was dark and murky.He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms…And then he stuffed the turkey.

Words and Expressions:

bare голый

bead капля (пота)

sweat пот

neck шея

breast грудь

to drool сленг испытывать сильнейшее желание

thigh бедро

slit щель

hole отверстие

inside внутрь; внутри

murky сумрачный, сумеречный

to stretch протягивать, вытягивать

to stuff набивать; зд. фаршировать

turkey индейка

Section 53

One thanksgiving morning

There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping such nasty farts.

He told her that he couldn't help it.

She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to «fart his guts out.»

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about «farting his guts out» until one Thanksgiving morning.

Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him, she had finally gotten even!

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was wrong.

He said, «Honey, you were right – all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you.»

«What do you mean?» asked his wife.

«Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers,… I think I got'em all back in!!!»

Words and Expressions:

friction трение, трения

to fart груб. испускать ветры

nearly почти

to awake просыпаться

smell запах

to water зд. слезиться

to choke задыхаться

to plead умолять

nasty ужасный, скверный, гадкий

to beg просить, умолять

natural естественный

bodily телесный