Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы - Виктор Миловидов

4. Was the boss a good football player?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. Two guys are talking about their boss's _______.

2. It's _______, he's 93 years old.

3. What _______ of a wedding is that?

4. What do you _______ it?

5. The girl's waiting for him to _______!

3. Match the two parts of the sentences:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Ей только 26 лет!

2. У нас в семье есть название для этого.

3. Мы называем это футбольной свадьбой.

Один из участников разговора обозначен в тексте как The other… Проверьте свои навыки использования прилагательного other и производных от него слов another, the other, others. При необходимости обратитесь к грамматическому справочнику (раздел 28).

6.Fill in the blanks with missing words; follow the directions given in brackets:

1. He has divorced recently, and he just wants to get himself (другую) _______ wife.

2. All (другие) _______ wives that he has had were also much younger than he was.

3. (Еще одна) _______ wedding, and he will really kick off.

4. Two guys turned up at the wedding; one was the bestman, (другой) _______ was his friend.

5. About half a hundred people invited to the wedding managed to get into the church; (другие) _______ had to wait outside.

7.Render the joke.

Section 26

Happy birthday present

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, «I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped.»

His buddy said, «I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. If you did it, she'd probably be thrilled.»

So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy asked, «Well? Did you take my suggestion?»

«Yes, I did,» said the fellow.

«…And did she like it?» his buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour!!!' "

Study the words and expressions given below:

to get sb sth дать кому-л. что-л.

besides кроме того

to afford позволять себе

to stump разг. ставить в тупик

certificate свидетельство, сертификат

to thrill доставлять сильное удовольствие, сильно и остро возбуждать

suggestion предложение

forehead лоб

to yell вопить

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. Who was the fellow talking to?

2. Why didn't he know what to get his wife for her birthday?

3. What sort of a certificate did the fellow's buddy suggest

that he do?

4. Why did he think that the wife would be thrilled?

5. Did the fellow take the buddy's suggestion and what came out of it?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. A _______ was talking to his buddy.

2. She has everything, and _______, she can _______ to buy anything.

3. Make up a _______.

4. If you did it, she'd probably be _______.

5. Did you take my _______?

6. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the _______ and ran out.

3. Say if the statement is true or false:

1. I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.

2. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have one minute of great sex.

3. If you did it, she'd probably divorce you.

4. So the fellow did.

5. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out.

6. I'll be back in a minute!

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Я не знаю, что подарить своей жене на ее день рождения.

2. Я в тупике.

3. У меня есть идея.

4. Парень так и сделал.

5. Она выбежала из двери с воплем: «Я вернусь через час!!!»

В предложении If you did it, she'd probably be thrilled… используются глаголы в форме так называемого сослагательного наклонения.

Проверьте свои навыки употребления данной формы; при необходимости воспользуйтесь грамматическим комментарием (раздел 29).

6. Fill in the blanks with appropriate forms of the verbs given in brackets:

1. If I (to know) _______ what to get my wife for her birthday, I would be really happy.

2. If she (to need) _______ something, she would have told me.

3. I (not to be stumped) _______, if she told me what she wants.

4. She would be even more thrilled, ifyou (to do) _______ it yourself.

5. If I hadn't taken your suggestion, people (not to make) _______ fun of me.

6. She (to be) _______ back in an hour, if she hadn't met you on the way.

7. If you (not to be) _______ so stupid, you wouldn't have made up a certificate of this sort.

7. Render the joke.

Section 27

How much to marry us?

Tom wished his wife were more attractive, but she wasn't. To tell the truth, he was no oil-painting, either.

After the ceremony, Tom asked the minister how much the cost was.

«Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife,» replied the minister.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the minister $50. The minister looked at Tom's wife and gave him $42 change.

Study the words and expressions given below: wishжелать

attractive привлекательный

oil нефть; масло

to paint писать маслом; красить

painting живопись

oil-painting масляная живопись; зд. картина маслом

ceremony церемония

minister священник

cost издержки, цена

to hand передавать, протягивать

change сдача, мелкая монета

what it is worth to have (sth) сколько стоит иметь (что-л.)

to tell the truth по правде говоря

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. How did Tom's wife look?

2. Was he much different?

3. What did he ask the minister about after the ceremony was over?

4. How did the minister estimate the cost of the wedding?

5. Why were Tom's numbers different?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. Tom's wife wasn't very _______.

2. He was no, either _______.

3. How much is the _______ of the ceremony?

4. Give me what it is _______ to have this lady for your wife.

5. Tom _______ the minister $50.

6. The minister gave him $42.

3. Match the two parts of the sentences:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. После церемонии Том спросил священника, сколько это стоит.

2. Просто дай мне столько, сколько, как ты думаешь, стоит твоя жена.

3. Ты хочешь иметь эту даму в качестве жены?

4. Том посмотрел на жену и протянул священнику 50 долларов.

5. Священник посмотрел на жену Тома и дал 42 доллара сдачи.

В предложении Tom wished his wife were more attractive… используется одна из фразеологических конструкций, с помощью которых вводится сослагательное наклонение.

Проверьте свои навыки использования данных конструкций, в случае необходимости обращаясь к грамматическому комментарию (раздел 30,).

6. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Жаль, что я не живописное полотно.

2. Пора бы мне жениться.

3. Если бы только он сказал мне вчера, сколько это стоит.

4. Жаль, что вы дали мне так много денег.

5. Пора бы вам дать мне 42 доллара сдачи.

6. Если бы он только посмотрел на нее перед тем, как вести в церковь.

7. Find English equivalents to the Russian words in the scanword:

1. (w… ) желать, 2. (а… ) привлекательная, 3. (m… ) священник, 4. (с… ) сдача, 5. (а… ) позволять себе, 6. (s… ) ставить в тупик, 7. (с…) стоить, 8. (b…) кроме этого, 9. (у…) вопить, 10. (h… ) протягивать, давать.

8. Render the joke.

Section 28

Reverse roles

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work.

But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.

She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that said that working wives could be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a fulltime job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. «How did it work out?» they asked.

«Well, it was a great dinner,» Mary said. «Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away.»

«But what about afterward?» her friends wanted to know.

«It didn't work out,» Mary said. «Charley was too tired.»

Study the words and expressions given below:

chauvinist шовинист

male chauvinist мужской шовинист; человек, отстаивающий права мужчин

to declare заявлять to batheкупать

load груз

wash стирка

dryer сушилка

stove плита (газовая или электрическая)

to astonish удивлять, изумлять

magazine журнал

article статья

to incline склоняться (к чему-л.)

to fold складывать

laundry белье для или после стирки

afterward впоследствии, потом

around the house по дому, в доме

full-time work работа на полный рабочий день (на ставку)

to set the table накрывать стол

complete with sth законченный, завершенный (чем-л.)

to turn out являться, неожиданно появляться, оказываться

in addition в дополнение

to hold down осуществлять, придерживаться, выполнять

to work out получаться, осуществляться

to clean up убирать со стола

to help sb with sth помогать кому-л. в чем-л.

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. What sort of a man was Mary married to?

2. Why didn't he do any work around the house?

3. Why was Mary astonished when she arrived home one evening after work?

4. What made Charley do all the work about the house and, in addition, cook a dinner?

5. What didn't work after all, and why?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text: