Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы - Виктор Миловидов

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. Two couples wanted _______ a church.

2. We have special _______ for new parishioners.

3. You must _______ from having sex.

4. No problem _______, Pastor.

5. _______ to the church!

6. I had to sleep on the couch for _______ of nights.

7. We were not _______ to go without sex.

8. My wife was _______ for a can of corn.

3. Say if the sentences are true or false:

1. Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join the army.

2. We have special requirements for new parishioners.

3. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

4. The couples didn't agree and never came back.

5. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights.

6. I was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.

7. We're not welcome at the local zoo anymore either.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Три пары захотели вступить в церковь.

2. Мы предъявляем особые требования к нашим прихожанам.

3. Пары согласились и пришли назад через две недели.

4. Никаких проблем, пастор!

5. Поздравления! Добро пожаловать в церковь!

6. Первая неделя была не слишком тяжкой.

7. Я был вынужден спать на кушетке пару ночей.

8. Я был охвачен сильным желанием и воспользовался своим преимуществом над ней прямо там.

9. Нас также не хотят больше видеть и в местном супермаркете.

В предложениях You must abstain from having sex for two weeks; Were you able to abstain from sexfor the two weeks? I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but… используются так называемые модальные глаголы и их заменители (must, to be able, to have to).

Проверьте свои знания модальных глаголов; при необходимости используйте грамматический комментарий (раздел 20).

6.Translate from Russian into English using modal verbs and their substitutes:

1. Вы можете вступить в церковь.

2. Вы сможете вступить в церковь, если выполните особые требования.

3. Вы должны воздерживаться от секса в течение трех недель.

4. Мы не можем сделать этого.

5. Мы должны были прийти через три недели.

6. Мы не смогли сделать этого.

7. Я вынужден был спать на кушетке.

8. Мне не было необходимости спать на кушетке.

9. Можно мне вступить в вашу церковь без испытательного срока?

10. Мне позволили сделать это без испытательного срока.

11. Вам не следовало бы больше ходить в местный супермаркет.

7.Fill in the blanks with proper forms of the verbs:

1. It's a recommendation that you (to join) _______ a church.

2. It's necessary that we (to have) _______ special requirements for new parishioners.

3. He suggested that we (to abstain) _______ from having sex for two weeks.

4. He urged them (to come) _______ back at the end of two weeks.

5. He found it necessary (to sleep) _______ on the couch for a couple of nights.

8.Fill in the blanks with proper forms of the verbs:

1. I want you (to join) _______ a church.

2. He expected them (to abstain) _______ from having sex for two weeks.

3. The pastor saw the elderly couple (to enter) _______ the church.

4. He let them (to pass over) _______ to the altar.

5. This made him (to sleep) _______ on the couch for a couple of nights.

6. He watched the wife (to try) _______ to reach for a can of corn.

7. He saw her (to pick) _______ the can up.

8. This made him (to take) _______ advantage of her right there.

9. Render the joke.

Section 18

An elderly couple

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship. «How do you feel about sex?» he asked, rather hopefully.

«Oh, I like to have it infrequently,» she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, «Was that one word or two?»

Study the words and expressions given below:

to decide решать

to embark пускаться (в плавание, в разговор и т.д.)

regarding относительно, касательно (от to regard считать)

finances финансы, финансовое состояние

arrangement организация (от to arrange устраивать, организовывать, оформлять)

to broach починать, открывать

subject предмет, вопрос

connubial супружеский, брачный

relationship отношение

hopefully с надеждой

infrequently нечасто (от frequently часто)

to respond отвечать

it was time to do sth время (пора) делать что-л.

living arrangements условия жизни

and so on и так далее

broach the subject поднимать вопрос

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. When did the elderly couple decide it was time for them to marry?

2. What sort of conversation did they embark on before the wedding?

3. What did they discuss?

4. What subject did the old man decide to raise in the end?

5. How often would his partner like to make love?

6. Taking into account the old guy's age, would he prefer «in-» to stand for a prefix or for a preposition?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. An elderly couple had been _______ for some time.

2. Before the wedding they _______ on a long conversation.

3. They discussed _______, living arrangements and so on.

4. Finally the old man decided _______ the subject of sex.

5. Oh, I like to have it _______ .

6. Was that _______ word or two?

3. Say if the statements are true or false:

1. An elderly couple had been living together for some time, and decided it was finally time to divorce.

2. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

3. They discussed government policy and finances.

4. Finally the old lady decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship.

5. Oh, I like to have it in frequently.

6. The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, «Was that one word or two?»

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Пожилая пара решила, что им пора пожениться.

2. Перед свадьбой они говорили о том, как они могли бы жить вместе.

3. Наконец он решил заговорить об их брачных отношениях.

4. О, я люблю это изредка.

5. Это было одно слово или два?

Практически в каждом английском предложении активную роль в согласовании его членов играют предлоги и предложные конструкции.

Проверьте свои знания английских предлогов и предложных конструкций (при необходимости см. грамматический комментарий; раздел 21).

6. Insert prepositions where necessary:

1. An elderly couple had been dating _______ some time.

2. They had been meeting _______ May _______ December.

3. Before the wedding they met _______ the restaurant, and _______ dinner they embarked _______ a long conversation.

4. They spoke _______ their living arrangements and the way they would spend their honeymoon.

5. She wanted to go _______ Naples, while he insisted staying _______ the USA.

6. He took the bottle _______ champagne which stood him _______ the dinner table and poured some wine _______ her glass.

7. The old man decided to discuss the subject _______ their connubial relations.

8. She flung the wine _______ his face saying, «What do you take me?»

7. Translate from Russian into English using modal verbs:

1. Нам нет необходимости больше встречаться.

2. Мы можем пожениться.

3. Мы должны обсудить то, как будет устроена наша семейная жизнь.

4. Должны мы обсуждать финансы?

5. Можно мне приступить к вопросу о наших брачных отношениях?

6. Я вынужден спросить тебя, могу ли я обсудить и этот пункт.

7. Будет ли мне позволено делать это часто?

8. Я не смог понять, что она имела в виду.

8. Insert articles where necessary:

1. They had been dating for some _______ time and decided it was finally time to marry.

2. Before _______ wedding they embarked on _______ long conversation.

3. They discussed how their _______ marriage might work.

4. They discussed _______ finances.

5. Finally _______ old man decided to broach _______ subject of their connubial relationship.

6. How do you feel about _______ sex?

9. Find English equivalents to the Russian words in the scanword:

1. (f…) финансы, 2. (с…) брачный, 3. (r…) отвечать, 4. (е… ) пожилая, 5. (а… ) воздерживаться, 6. (w… ) добро пожаловать, 7. (о… ) охваченный, 8. (р… ) пивная, 9. (b… ) пиво, 10. (f… ) драться.

10. Render the joke.

Section 19

Two additions to the periodic table of elements

* Element Name: WOMANIUM

* Symbol: WO

* Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

* Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

* Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

* Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

* Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

* Element Name: MANIUM

* Symbol: XY

* Atomic Weight: (180 +/– 50)

* Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

* Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO (WOMANIUM) any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time.

* Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

* Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

* Caution: In the absence of WO (WOMANIUM), this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Study the words and expressions given below:

element элемент

symbol символ

atomic атомный

weight вес

physical физический

property свойство, качество, состояние

generally в общем, главным образом

soft мягкий

round круглый

to boil кипеть

to freeze замерзать

to melt таять

to treat обходиться (с кем-л.)

properly правильно

bitter горький; колкий

to use использовать

chemical химический

active активный