Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы - Виктор Миловидов

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla begins to go ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and two feet), grunts, and pounds his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at seeing the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow by puckering her lips, wiggling her bottom… play along.

She does, and Mr Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall.

She does, and Mr Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down! The husband then suggests that she try lifting her dress up her thighs. This drives the poor gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and says, «Now tell HIM you have a headache.»

Study the words and expressions given below:

to wear носить (одежду)

cute милый, славный

loose свободный

to fit подходить по размеру (об одежде)

loose-fitting свободного покроя

pink розовый

sleeveless без рукавов

strap тесьма, лямка

аре обезьяна

exhibit выставка, экспозиция

аре exhibit обезьянник

gorilla горилла

bars решетка

to grunt ворчать, сердиться

to pound колотить

chest грудь; грудная клетка

obviously очевидно

to notice замечать

excitement возбуждение

to suggest предлагать

to tease дразнить

poor бедный

fellow парень

to pucker морщить (губы), складывать (губы) в гримаску

to lift поднимать

thigh бедро

to drive двигать, понуждать

crazy сумасшедший, чокнутый

to grab хватать, захватывать

to rip рвать; раскрывать

to fling толкать, бросать

to wiggle one's bottom крутить задом

to go ape обезьянничать

to play along играть до конца

to wake the dead разбудить мертвого

to tear the bars down сносить решетку

to drive sb crazy сводить кого-л. с ума

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. What sort of a dress was the wife wearing?

2. How did the gorilla start to behave when the couple was passing its cage?

3. What was the ape excited by?

4. What did the husband suggest that his wife do when he noticed the gorilla's excitement?

5. What did the husband suggest she do with the straps of her dress?

6. What drove the poor gorilla absolutely crazy?

7. Do you think the wife had really had many headaches?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. A man and his wife are visiting the _______ zoo.

2. She's wearing a cute, _______ dress.

3. They walk through the _______ exhibit.

4. The gorilla is _______ excited at seeing the lady.

5. The man suggests that his wife _______ the poor fellow.

6. Then the husband suggests that she _______ one of her straps fall.

7. This drives the gorilla absolutely _______.

3. Say if the statements are true or false:

1. As they pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla falls asleep.

2. The gorilla is obviously excited at seeing the pretty lady in the pink dress.

3. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

4. Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would kill the alive.

5. This drives the poor gorilla away.

6. The husband grabs the gorilla, rips open the door to the cage, and flings her in with the wife.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. На ней красивое, свободного покроя платье без рукавов, на лямках.

2. Горилла начинает обезьянничать.

3. Горилла явно возбуждена при виде дамы в розовом платье.

4. Муж предлагает жене подразнить бедного парня.

5. Он производит шум, который разбудил бы и мертвого.

6. Горилла готова снести решетки.

7. Он быстро хватает ее и толкает в клетку.

В сложных предложениях с союзом that (The husband suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow…, Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall… и The husband then suggests that she try lifting her dress up her thighs…) мы сталкиваемся с одним из так называемых глаголов «побуждения к действию», использование которых подчиняется особому правилу.

Проверьте, насколько хорошо вы знаете правило использования этих глаголов. В случае необходимости обратитесь к грамматическому комментарию (раздел 15).

6. Fill in the blanks with appropriate forms of the verbs:

1. The man insisted that his wife (to wear) _______ a cute, loose-fitting dress.

2. It is imperative that we (to walk) _______ through the ape exhibit.

3. The husband proposed that his wife (to tease) _______ the poor fellow.

4. Then the husband urged her wife (to let) _______ one of her straps fall.

5. It is necessary (to tear) _______ the bars down.

6. It is important that you (to lift) _______ your dress up your thighs.

7. It was a recommendation that you (to grab) _______ your wife and (to fling) _______ her into the cage.

В предложении Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall используется форма так называемого сложного дополнения She let the straps fall.

Проверьте, насколько хорошо вы владеете этой синтаксической формой, при необходимости прибегая к грамматическому комментарию (раздел 16).

7. Fill in the blanks with appropriate forms of the verbs:

1. I want you (to visit) _______ the local zoo.

2. I expect you (to wear) _______ this cute dress.

3. Don't make him (to go) _______ ape.

4. I saw him (to jump) _______ up on the bars.

5. They heard the gorilla (to grunt) _______ and pound his chest with his free hand.

6. I watched her (to wiggle) _______ her bottom.

7. The husband noticed the ape (to be excited) _______, and wanted his wife (to tease) _______ the poor fellow even more.

8.Transform the sentences into Passive:

1. A man and his wife are visiting the local zoo.

2. He pounds his chest with his free hand.

3. The pretty lady in the pink dress obviously excited the gorilla.

4. The noises would wake the dead.

5. Gorilla is tearing the bars down.

6. She has lifted her dress up her thighs.

7. This drives the poor gorilla absolutely crazy.

8. The husband grabs his wife and flings her in with the gorilla.

9.Render the joke.

Section 14

Before you get married

«Honey,» said a husband to his wife, «I invited a friend home for supper.» «What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!» «I know all that.»

«Then why did you invite a friend for supper?» «Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.»

Study the words and expressions given below:

a mess беспорядок, состояние беспорядка

fancy фантазия, воображение

meal еда, прием пищи

a fancy meal праздничный обед

fool дурак

I don't feel like cooking я не в настроении готовить еду

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. Who did the husbund invite for supper?

2. What does the wife think about their house?

3. What meal is she supposed to cook for her husband's friend?

4. What will happen when the friend comes to their home?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. A husband said _______ his wife, «I invited a friend home for supper.»

2. Are you _______?

3. The house is a _______.

4. All the dishes are _______.

5. I don't feel like _______ a fancy meal.

6. Why did you invite a friend _______ supper?

7. The poor fool is thinking about _______ married.

3. Match the two parts of the sentences:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Я пригласил друга домой на ужин.

2. Ты сошел с ума?

3. Я не ходила в магазин.

4. Мне не хочется готовить праздничный стол.

5. Бедный дурак думает о том, чтобы жениться.

В предложениях I didn't go shopping… I don't feel like cooking… The poor fool is thinking about getting married… используется так называемая –ing-овая форма английского глагола, которая в зависимости от места в предложении является либо причастием (причастием 1), либо герундием и, соответственно, подчиняется разным правилам употребления.

Проверьте свои знания этих форм, при необходимости справляясь в грамматическом комментарии (раздел 17).

6.Translate from Russian into English using the words in brackets:

1. Вместо того (Instead of, to go to the restaurant) чтобы пойти с другом в ресторан, он пригласил его домой на ужин.

2. Она разговаривает сейчас с мужем.

3. По прибытии (On, to come) домой он пошел в магазин (to go, shop).

4. Я обожаю (to be fond of, to wash dishes) мыть посуду.

5. Он закончил работать (to finish, to work) после шести часов.

6. Он прекратил есть (to stop, to eat) и посмотрел на часы.

7. Мы едим салат.

8. Я обожаю ходить в магазин (to be fond of, shop).

9. Человек, курящий сигарету, мой друг.

7. Render the joke.

Section 15

Coming home late at night

A guy is real drunk and gets home real late. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks a block away from his home. He takes off his shoes as he walks up the stairs, careful not to make a noise. He quietly opens the door and tiptoes into the room, when «BAM!!!» – he gets hit by a frying pan…

Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head and says, «Boy, you are inert! Now here's how I do it. When I get drunk I go borrow my bud's Harley and go screamin' up and down my block a couple of times a hootin' and a hollerin'. I take the Harley rat up on the porch and then start screamin' and a cuss-in'. I slam open the door and scream, 'Tim the man of the house and I want some sex rat now!» And you know what's amazin'??? My wife is always asleep!!!"

Study the words and expressions given below:

to avoid избегать

to park парковать (машину)

block квартал домов

to tiptoe от tip(кончик) и toe(палец ноги) идти на цыпочках

to fry жарить

pan кастрюля

frying pan сковорода

hole дыра

sad печальный

inert вялый, зд. неизобретательный

to borrow брать взаймы

bud приятель

Harley мотоцикл «Харлей-Дэвидсон»

screamin' разг. screaming вопя, крича