Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы - Виктор Миловидов

last straw последняя соломинка

at least по крайней мере

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. What was the couple's marriage filled with?

2. What did they think to be the only way to save their relationships?

3. What did the counselor do when they arrived at the office?

4. Why did the husband hold his face down?

5. How fast did the wife speak?

6. How did the wife act after the counselor had kissed her?

7. How often did the wife have to visit the counselor's office?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. These years were filled with _______ arguments.

2. They decided that _______ way to save their marriage was to _______ counseling.

3. They had been at each other's _______ for some time.

4. They felt that this was their _______ straw.

5. When they arrived at the office, the counselor _______ right in and opened the floor for discussion.

6. What _______ to be the problem?

7. The husband held his long face down _______ anything to say.

3. Match the two parts of the sentences:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Жена, напротив, принялась описывать все недостатки их брака.

2. Послушав жену, он поднял ее за плечи.

3. Он страстно целовал ее в течение нескольких минут и посадил назад.

4. Потом жена сидела молча.

5. Он взглянул на мужа, который уставился с недоверием на то, что произошло.

6. Консультант предложил мужу делать это по крайней мере дважды в неделю.

7. Муж почесал голову.

В предложении After just a few years of marriage… используется словосочетание a few («немного»), которое нельзя путать с прилагательным few, а также с другими словами и конструкциями, выражающими близкие значения (little, a little).

Проверьте, насколько хорошо вы знаете правила использования этих слов и словосочетаний. При необходимости воспользуйтесь грамматическим комментарием (раздел 26).

6. Fill in the blanks with a word from the list:

few a few

little a little

Follow the directions given in brackets:

1. They spent very (мало) _______ days without heated arguments.

2. They had (мало) _______ hope to save their marriage.

3. The counselor was (немного) _______ surprised when he heard the couple's story.

4. He thought there was (мало) _______ hope left, but still he agreed to help.

5. After (немного) _______ visits to the counselor's office they felt better.

6. When she began to speak, he understood very (мало) _______ , so fast she spoke.

7. And only (немного) _______ words were intelligible.

8. She sat silently (немного) _______ minutes, and then they left.

7. Fill in the blanks with proper forms of the verbs:

1. If we (not to try) _______ counseling, our marriage will end up in a divorce.

2. If you (to argue) _______ with me any more, I will leave you forever.

3. As soon as you (to understand) _______ that it's our last straw, things will turn for the better.

4. You've got to tell me, when you (to go) _______ to visit the counselor tomorrow.

5. When you (to arrive) _______ at the counselor's office, the counselor will jump right in and open the floor for discussion.

6. If she (not to stop) _______ talking 90 miles an hour, I will have to stop her by a kiss.

7. She will continue talking her head off until you (to kiss) _______ her.

8. I will bring her here every Tuesday if she (to agree) _______.

8. Render the joke.

Section 24

Cat food

One woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. «Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time.» And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

«Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!» She was very pleased at being praised, and that night they had sex for the first time in months, and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

«You're going to kill him,» they said, but she continued to make him his cat food dinner.

Two months later, her husband died, and after the funeral all the Thursday bridge women attacked our new widow for being so callous.

«You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?»

The wife stoically replied, «Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass.»

Study the words and expressions given below:

bridge карт. бридж

club клуб

peaceful мирный

to fix делать, устраивать, готовить

incredible невероятный

to dash броситься

wilted увядший / вялый

lettuce салат

to stir in размешивать (с чем-л.)

egg яйцо

to garnish украшать гарниром

to pull up подъезжать

horror ужас

to please доставлять удовольствие

to praise хвалить

crony приятельница, приятель

to horrify ужасать

funeral похороны

widow вдова

callous бессердечный

feeding кормление

to murder убить

stoically стоически

mantel камин

to lick лизать

ass груб. задница

incredible hand карт. невероятно легкая рука у игрока (невероятное везение)

Needless to say Нет нужды говорить

to do sb in сленг убить кого-л.

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. How often did the lady have her bridge game in the club?

2. Where did she have to hurry after the game?

3. What did she have in the cupboard when she returned home one Thursday after she had had an incredible hand?

4. Why did she watch her husband in horror when he was sitting to dinner?

5. What was the side-effect of the cat food?

6. What did the bridge women attack the lady for?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. She goes home _______ her husband dinner when he gets home from work.

2. Well, one Thursday, she has an _______ hand.

3. And she _______ out of her friend's house.

4. All she has in the cupboard is a _______ lettuce leaf.

5. She watches in _______ as he sits down to his dinner.

6. She tells her bridge _______ about it and they are all horrified.

7. After the _______ all attacked our new widow.

3. Say if the statement is true or false:

1. I have to go fix my husband his dinner!

2. And she dashes out of the Bingo club, her great hand forgotten on the table.

3. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food.

4. She watches with joy as he sits down to his dinner.

5. Needless to say, every day from then on, she made this dinner for her husband.

6. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all delighted.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Она едет домой, чтобы приготовить своему мужу обед.

2. Ей невероятно везет, когда она обращает внимание на время.

3. Она бросается вон из дома своей подруги.

4. Она осознает, что у нее очень мало времени.

5. Все, что у нее есть в буфете, это завядший / вялый лист салата, яйцо и банка кошачьего корма.

6. С ужасом она наблюдает, как ее муж садится за обед / обедать.

7. Нет нужды говорить, что с этого дня каждый четверг она готовила этот обед.

8. Мы говорили тебе, что кормление его этим кошачьим кормом убьет его.

В предложении She was very pleased at being praised… используется герундиальный оборот, в который включена пассивная форма герундия;

в предложении We told you that feeding him that cat food every week… стоит активная форма герундия.

Проверьте, насколько хорошо вы владеете навыками использования этих форм; при необходимости обратитесь к грамматическому комментарию (раздел 27).

6. Fill in the blanks with either an active or a passive form of the Gerund:

1. Her husband insisted on (to give) _______ good healthy food for his dinner.

2. She couldn't help (to stay) _______ in the club until the game was over.

3. He was looking forward (to serve) _______ that cat food for his dinner.

4. She didn't object at all to his (to climb) _______ the mantel whenever he wanted.

5. He did not mind (to feed) _______ cat food at all .

6. She enjoyed (to play) _______ bridge with the ladies.

7.Transform Indirect Speech into Direct Speech by making necessary changes:

1. She told her cronies that she had to go home and fix her husband his dinner.

2. He asked her if she had had an incredible hand in bridge.

3. She said that her husband was going to be angry if it was not ready on time.

4. He said that that was the best dinner she had ever made for him in forty years of marriage.

5. He asked her to make that for him any old day.

6. They said that the woman was going to kill her husband.

7. The ladies said that she had really killed him with the cat food.

8. She asked her cronies not to blame her for it.

8. Find English equivalents to the Russian words in the scanword:

1. (1… ) салат, 2. (g… ) украшать, 3. (m… ) убийство, 4. (с… ) советовать, консультировать, 5. (w… ) недостатки, недочеты, 6. (s… ) чесать, 7. (е… ) обмениваться, 8. (d… ) требовать, 9. (m… ) любовница, 10. (j… ) драгоценности.

9. Render the joke.

Section 25

Football wedding

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, «It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?»

The other says, «Well, we have a name for it in my family.»

«What do you call it?»

«We call it a football wedding.»

The first asks, «What's a football wedding?»

The other says, «She's waiting for him to kick off!»

Study the words and expressions given below:

upcoming приближающийся

ridiculous нелепый

to kick off футб. делать первый удар в начале игры; зд. сленг умереть, сыграть в ящик

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. What were the guys talking about?

2. Why did they think the upcoming wedding ridiculous?

3. What name for a wedding of this sort do they have in the family?