Tantric Sex for Men - Diana Richardson

civilization, education, have created so many opportunities to move further and further into the world of sensation.

Ultimately, you turn into a dead person; your sensitivity is lost. Taste more foods—stronger tastes, stronger foods—

and your taste will be lost. If you move around the world and go on seeing more and more beautiful things, you will

become blind; the sensitivity of your eyes will be lost.

If you want the divine—the divine means the most alive, the ever-alive, ever-young, evergreen—if you want to

meet the divine, you will have to be more alive. How to do it? Kill out all desire for sensation. Don’t seek sensation,

seek sensitivity, become more sensitive.

The two are different. If you ask for sensations you will ask for things; you will accumulate things. But if you ask

for sensitivity, the whole work has to be done on your senses, not on things. You are not to accumulate things. You

have to deepen your feelings, your heart, your eyes, your ears, your nose. Every sense should be deepened in such a

way that it becomes capable of feeling the subtle.

OSHO, TRANSCRIBED TEACHINGS,

NEW ALCHEMY TO TURN YOU ON

2

INVOLUNTARY EJACULATION AND

DESENSITIZATION

Perhaps the most common problem or issue faced by men is their lack of control over ejaculation,

which results in an extremely high prevalence of premature ejaculation. And as we know, perhaps far

too well, ejaculation usually marks the end of the sex act. As we come, we finish, at least for the

present moment. Research has revealed that the universal average time of sexual engagement is

between two and two-and-a-half minutes. Some men are able to extend the time to fifteen minutes,

others to half an hour, or perhaps even forty-five minutes.

Enjoyable as these extra minutes definitely are, they are not really sufficient for a man to channel

his vitality into a woman, and to have it received by her and returned to him. A man’s ultimate

fulfillment lies in being bathed in a woman’s love, in overflowing radiant response to the love made

in her. Man gives to woman who receives, and then woman gives to man who, in turn, receives. A

reciprocal cycle of giving and receiving comes into play.

The truth is that if man wishes to make love for longer stretches of time and reap the true benefits of

sex, then the level of excitement has to be drastically reduced and ejaculation consciously postponed.

EXCITEMENT CAUSES PREMATURE EJACULATION

Stimulation and excitement almost always end up in ejaculation. Yet at the same time it is a challenge

to try to imagine sex without excitement. How would it look? What are you “doing” instead? Sex

without excitement sounds like a contradiction in terms. Our impetus for wanting sex in the first place

is precisely for sensation and intensity. After all, isn’t that what sex is about?

Whether or not this is true for you, it is valuable to examine the role of excitement in conventional

sex and perhaps come to the final conclusion that although excitement may be a great pleasure, too

much of it can short-circuit the system. Facts are facts.

The basic problem doesn’t lie with excitement per se, but rather with our sexual goals and the

ways we manage the excitement. We begin sex with a strong intention, deliberately stimulate our

bodies and genitals, and increase the level of intensity until there is a peak and overflow. These

tactics basically produce too much heat, usually more than man can handle, so he boils over and

discharges his life force, thereby unconsciously disempowering himself.

Sexual Fantasy Increases Excitement

Sexual fantasy is an accepted aspect of sex because it increases excitement. Fantasies in conventional

sex are, in fact, a great help, but it is perhaps accurate to say that usually we are having sex with our

minds, not with our bodies. We are unquestionably using our bodies, but we’re not really

understanding the way they are designed to function. Fantasy is a direct product of the mental powers

of the imagination, and our bodies are forced to comply and satisfy the demands of our insatiable

minds. As an example to show how sex and mind are connected, we remember a friend who told us

that she had suffered an injury to her lower spine. This disturbance caused numbness and lack of

sensitivity in the genitals over a period of several months. She couldn’t feel a thing in her sexual

organs. Nonetheless, she felt extreme desire for sex during this time. Finally she was forced to realize

that the source of her sexuality lay in her mind, not in her body.

The mind is extremely powerful, but there are consequences to embracing fantasy as a sexual

strategy. Fantasy is undeniably tied to excitement, which is tied to premature ejaculation; the three are

linked together. Fantasy increases stimulation and excitement levels (as do all types of sexual aids),

which in turn produce chronic premature ejaculation.

Many people depend on fantasy and excitement for their sexual responses and in order to reach

orgasm. The pornographic film industry is reportedly much larger than the mainstream film industry,

and there are stripper bars in every major city in the world. Fantasy is an imagined situation; you are

not with the person in the spirit of togetherness, sharing a mutual experience. You are mentally absent

and not present, which results in the same consequence as focusing on the goal of orgasm; you are

ahead of yourself or out of yourself. In both cases the mind, not the event itself, is the trigger. The

mind wants orgasm and creates fantasy to satisfy its desire.

Staying Cool in Sex

If you want to avoid short-lived sex, it helps to heed an interesting folk aphorism: “A little is good,

but more is not better.” In the case of excitement this advice holds true; a little excitement is good, but

more excitement is not better. Maybe more brings more pleasure and intensity, but if we wish to

change, it’s helpful to recognize the outcome of such behavior patterns.

In order to experience longer exchanges we need to cool down the sex act. A little excitement is

fine, nothing is wrong in it, but then relax and take it easy. A retreat participant once shared his

experience of having his thirty-year-old premature ejaculation problem vanish overnight, once he’d

discovered the key of avoiding getting overexcited and remaining cool.

A style of sex that is cool and simple is more sustainable. It extends, expands, and increases the

attraction between the bodies. The accepted cultural ideal is that sex should be as hot as possible, an

approach that virtually guarantees premature ejaculation. Sooner or later excitement burns out, we

take each other for granted, and boredom takes up residence. Boredom is natural; anything repeated

again and again becomes a boring experience. Whenever the newness is lost, boredom takes its place.

Excitement is triggered by the unknown, the newness of a situation, but the newness quickly wears off

and the initial attraction burns up in the flames of excitement. Often couples report that after periods

of heavy sex they experience a kind of physical repulsion and complete loss of interest in sex for a

while.

SENSATION REDUCES SENSITIVITY

One significant by-product of excessive stimulation is that the penis becomes less and less sensitive.

The more sensation to which the penis is subjected, the less sensitive it becomes. The same is true for

the vagina. The repeated rubbing action of the penis within the vagina (or in the hand during

masturbation) desensitizes both the penis and the vagina.

Repetitive in-and-out movements create friction between the tissues, which causes heat and a

charge. After sex, a residue of tension remains in the body. This accumulates over time, and

eventually the penis becomes subtly overcharged and tougher, and therefore less sensitive and less

perceptive. Quite often the erect male penis feels unnaturally dense, hard, or even metallic to the

touch. This rigidity reflects the tensions held in the tissue of the penis. Sensitivity is reduced, and a

man loses the ability, capacity, and power to feel into the actual tissues of the penis. The penis itself

loses inner vitality and consciousness, from its root all the way up to the radiant head. It forgets its

slithering, supple, flexible nature that renders it capable of winding up and down inside the vagina

exactly like a snake.

At the end of a retreat several years ago, a scientist who had participated told us that the loss of

sensitivity in the face of intensity of stimulation had been scientifically proven in the second half of

the nineteenth century by German physiologist Ernst Weber and physicist and psychologist Gustav

Fechmer. Their research, formulated as the Weber-Fechmer law, is the theory of the relationship

between stimulus and experience. Their research showed that the change in intensity of a sensation

varies in increments proportional to the relative change of the stimulus. Today this is known to be true

for every sensory channel within its range of dynamics. A simple example would be to light a match

in the darkness. In this instance the light is like an explosion, but if you do the same in bright sunlight,

it is barely perceptible. More sensation correlates to less sensitivity, and less sensation correlates to

more sensitivity. Instead of endlessly seeking more and more sensation, we should begin to develop

our senses so that we become capable of feeling the subtle yet vital life force moving through us at

any moment of the day.

Mechanical Repetition and Loss of Sensitivity

To raise the intensity of sensation, we increase the tempo and frequency of our movements. We

become mechanical, repeating the same thing again and again. Whenever there is an element of

mechanical repetition in movement there is a corresponding lack of consciousness, and thereby loss

of sensitivity, in each of the contributing individual movements. The steps that make up the journey

are lost as we become climax machines, tense with the effort of getting where we want to go—

orgasm!

Through being in a hurry we actually reduce the capacity to internally feel ourselves at a

meaningful level. What is happening second by second in the body and genitals? Within the penis?

Around the penis? Between the penis and vagina? If we are conscious in each moment, in each

movement, the unfolding of sex can become a state of awe and wonder that lasts for hours. An

experience of pure pleasure. A state of timelessness is entered wherein the moments emerge

spontaneously from the body, unfolding naturally, one giving way to the next without fantasy or goals

or mind being involved. The body is taken over by an innate force that intelligently guides it into

loving expression. It is quite literally a mindless experience because we become utterly absorbed by

our bodies in their state of heightened sesitivity. The more conscious and present a person is during

sex, the greater his or her sensitivity will be.

Woman’s Excitement Can Trigger Male Ejaculation

Most men have experienced coming very easily when the woman gets overexcited or too hot,

especially as she strives to come to a climax. Ejaculation happens in a helpless enjoyable flash, and

there is nothing to be done to avoid it. Many men confirm this experience, saying it is as if an

ejaculation is virtually pulled from them, completely out of the blue. They are taken by surprise

because they were nowhere near ready to ejaculate. Although the situation appears uncontrollable

there is something that can be done, and that is to avoid making the woman too excited. If you’d like

to make love last longer, maintain the sexual temperature at cool to gently simmering.

WOMEN’S SEXUAL RELUCTANCE

Let’s face reality: men usually desire sex more often than their partners do. Ever wondered why? The

truth is that for a woman the few minutes of sexual interaction are not really satisfying. There is

hardly sufficient time for her body to warm up and celebrate the occasion. This sadly implies that

women repeatedly return from sexual encounters feeling unfulfilled and at a loss—with the sense that

the pleasures of sex are not worth the efforts of sex. Feelings such as these can get firmly embedded

and cause many women to begin to avoid sex. Research reveals that 82 percent of women would

rather kiss and cuddle than have sex; they find the exchange more nourishing. The choice to cuddle

instead of having sex is a reflection of women’s lack of true enjoyment when the penis is within the

vagina.

Men can rest assured that the reluctant sexual response of a woman is not a mental or conscious

response wherein she suddenly decides she does not want sex. (There are contraception issues that

sometimes stand in the way of a woman’s assent, mentioned in chapter 7.) The closing down of a

woman’s body is usually a slow, gradual process, unless she has suffered some trauma, in which case

the closing down can be immediate. The withdrawal is physical yet very subtle, and something over

which a woman does not have much conscious control. Many a woman feels she is alone in her

unexpected and uninvited turnoff to sex, but it is a common and universal theme. Repeated lack of

fulfillment plays a great part in why women experience loss of interest in sex. Women are definitely

not frigid by nature, but their bodies start to freeze over when the sex is always hot, hard, and quick.

What’s a man to do? Why precisely are women not enjoying sex? Why does your woman not want

sex as much as you do? A recent Redbook survey shows that 52 percent of women regularly fake

orgasms. According to a Durex Global Sex Survey, only 17 percent of women are likely to have an