Autobiography of Anthony Trollope - Anthony Trollope

or French should be learned. But all that could be ascertained

without the perils of competitive examination.

The desire to insure the efficiency of the young men selected, has

not been the only object--perhaps not the chief object--of those

who have yielded in this matter to the arguments of the reformers.

There had arisen in England a system of patronage, under which it

had become gradually necessary for politicians to use their influence

for the purchase of political support. A member of the House of

Commons, holding office, who might chance to have five clerkships

to give away in a year, found himself compelled to distribute them

among those who sent him to the House. In this there was nothing

pleasant to the distributer of patronage. Do away with the system

altogether, and he would have as much chance of support as another.

He bartered his patronage only because another did so also. The

beggings, the refusings, the jealousies, the correspondence, were

simply troublesome. Gentlemen in office were not therefore indisposed

to rid themselves of the care of patronage. I have no doubt their

hands are the cleaner and their hearts are the lighter; but I do

doubt whether the offices are on the whole better manned.

As what I now write will certainly never be read till I am dead, I

may dare to say what no one now does dare to say in print,--though

some of us whisper it occasionally into our friends' ears. There

are places in life which can hardly be well filled except by

"Gentlemen." The word is one the use of which almost subjects one

to ignominy. If I say that a judge should be a gentleman, or a

bishop, I am met with a scornful allusion to "Nature's Gentlemen."

Were I to make such an assertion with reference to the House of

Commons, nothing that I ever said again would receive the slightest

attention. A man in public life could not do himself a greater

injury than by saying in public that the commissions in the army or

navy, or berths in the Civil Service, should be given exclusively

to gentlemen. He would be defied to define the term,--and would

fail should he attempt to do so. But he would know what he meant,

and so very probably would they who defied him. It may be that the

son of a butcher of the village shall become as well fitted for

employments requiring gentle culture as the son of the parson.

Such is often the case. When such is the case, no one has been more

prone to give the butcher's son all the welcome he has merited than

I myself; but the chances are greatly in favour of the parson's son.

The gates of the one class should be open to the other; but neither

to the one class nor to the other can good be done by declaring

that there are no gates, no barrier, no difference. The system of

competitive examination is, I think, based on a supposition that

there is no difference.

I got into my place without any examining. Looking back now, I think

I can see with accuracy what was then the condition of my own mind

and intelligence. Of things to be learned by lessons I knew almost

less than could be supposed possible after the amount of schooling

I had received. I could read neither French, Latin, nor Greek.

I could speak no foreign language,--and I may as well say here as

elsewhere that I never acquired the power of really talking French.

I have been able to order my dinner and take a railway ticket, but

never got much beyond that. Of the merest rudiments of the sciences

I was completely ignorant. My handwriting was in truth wretched. My

spelling was imperfect. There was no subject as to which examination

would have been possible on which I could have gone through an

examination otherwise than disgracefully. And yet I think I knew

more than the average young men of the same rank who began life at

nineteen. I could have given a fuller list of the names of the poets

of all countries, with their subjects and periods,--and probably

of historians,--than many others; and had, perhaps, a more accurate

idea of the manner in which my own country was governed. I knew the

names of all the Bishops, all the Judges, all the Heads of Colleges,

and all the Cabinet Ministers,--not a very useful knowledge indeed,

but one that had not been acquired without other matter which was

more useful. I had read Shakespeare and Byron and Scott, and could

talk about them. The music of the Miltonic line was familiar to

me. I had already made up my mind that Pride and Prejudice was the

best novel in the English language,--a palm which I only partially

withdrew after a second reading of Ivanhoe, and did not completely

bestow elsewhere till Esmond was written. And though I would

occasionally break down in my spelling, I could write a letter. If

I had a thing to say, I could so say it in written words that the

readers should know what I meant,--a power which is by no means

at the command of all those who come out from these competitive

examinations with triumph. Early in life, at the age of fifteen,

I had commenced the dangerous habit of keeping a journal, and this

I maintained for ten years. The volumes remained in my possession

unregarded--never looked at--till 1870, when I examined them, and,

with many blushes, destroyed them. They convicted me of folly,

ignorance, indiscretion, idleness, extravagance, and conceit. But

they had habituated me to the rapid use of pen and ink, and taught

me how to express myself with faculty.

I will mention here another habit which had grown upon me from

still earlier years,--which I myself often regarded with dismay

when I thought of the hours devoted to it, but which, I suppose,

must have tended to make me what I have been. As a boy, even as a

child, I was thrown much upon myself. I have explained, when speaking

of my school-days, how it came to pass that other boys would not

play with me. I was therefore alone, and had to form my plays

within myself. Play of some kind was necessary to me then, as it

always has been. Study was not my bent, and I could not please

myself by being all idle. Thus it came to pass that I was always

going about with some castle in the air firmly build within my

mind. Nor were these efforts in architecture spasmodic, or subject

to constant change from day to day. For weeks, for months, if

I remember rightly, from year to year, I would carry on the same

tale, binding myself down to certain laws, to certain proportions,

and proprieties, and unities. Nothing impossible was ever

introduced,--nor even anything which, from outward circumstances,

would seem to be violently improbable. I myself was of course my own

hero. Such is a necessity of castle-building. But I never became a

king, or a duke,--much less when my height and personal appearance

were fixed could I be an Antinous, or six feet high. I never was

a learned man, nor even a philosopher. But I was a very clever

person, and beautiful young women used to be fond of me. And I

strove to be kind of heart, and open of hand, and noble in thought,

despising mean things; and altogether I was a very much better

fellow than I have ever succeeded in being since. This had been

the occupation of my life for six or seven years before I went to

the Post Office, and was by no means abandoned when I commenced

my work. There can, I imagine, hardly be a more dangerous mental

practice; but I have often doubted whether, had it not been my

practice, I should ever have written a novel. I learned in this way

to maintain an interest in a fictitious story, to dwell on a work

created by my own imagination, and to live in a world altogether

outside the world of my own material life. In after years I have

done the same,--with this difference, that I have discarded the

hero of my early dreams, and have been able to lay my own identity

aside.

I must certainly acknowledge that the first seven years of my

official life were neither creditable to myself nor useful to the

public service. These seven years were passed in London, and during

this period of my life it was my duty to be present every morning

at the office punctually at 10 A.M. I think I commenced my quarrels

with the authorities there by having in my possession a watch

which was always ten minutes late. I know that I very soon achieved

a character for irregularity, and came to be regarded as a black

sheep by men around me who were not themselves, I think, very

good public servants. From time to time rumours reached me that if

I did not take care I should be dismissed; especially one rumour

in my early days, through my dearly beloved friend Mrs. Clayton

Freeling,--who, as I write this, is still living, and who, with

tears in her eyes, besought me to think of my mother. That was during

the life of Sir Francis Freeling, who died,--still in harness,--a

little more than twelve months after I joined the office. And yet

the old man showed me signs of almost affectionate kindness, writing

to me with his own hand more than once from his death-bed.

Sir Francis Freeling was followed at the Post Office by Colonel

Maberly, who certainly was not my friend. I do not know that I

deserved to find a friend in my new master, but I think that a man

with better judgment would not have formed so low an opinion of

me as he did. Years have gone by, and I can write now, and almost

feel, without anger; but I can remember well the keenness of my

anguish when I was treated as though I were unfit for any useful

work. I did struggle--not to do the work, for there was nothing

which was not easy without any struggling--but to show that I

was willing to do it. My bad character nevertheless stuck to me,

and was not to be got rid of by any efforts within my power. I do

admit that I was irregular. It was not considered to be much in

my favour that I could write letters--which was mainly the work of

our office--rapidly, correctly, and to the purpose. The man who

came at ten, and who was always still at his desk at half-past four,

was preferred before me, though when at his desk he might be less

efficient. Such preference was no doubt proper; but, with a little

encouragement, I also would have been punctual. I got credit for

nothing and was reckless.

As it was, the conduct of some of us was very bad. There was a

comfortable sitting-room up-stairs, devoted to the use of some one

of our number who in turn was required to remain in the place all