The Testing of a Wizard - Viktor Gitin

CANNIBAL – (Alerted) Ah…another Wizard. It’s best to stay away from your sort…

FADRIUS – Why is that?

CANNIBAL – WHY! Because I opened my heart to him, let him in my house and made him feel at home, looked after him… And he paid me back with ingratitude.

HERMIT – It can’t be! Gelo couldn’t have acted that way. He’s, my friend!

CANNIBAL – How unlucky for you. You wouldn’t wish a friend like that to your worst enemy! For my kindness he put a spell on me: he froze me for a few of days…

HERMIT – I don’t believe it. You were probably trying to harm him. He couldn’t have acted that way without a reason.

CANNIBAL – (Dissatisfied and irritated) I didn’t do anything bad! I was just very hungry. And he is so young and appetizing. I simply couldn’t control my hunger. It is easier to control a woman than my stomach. It’s only a myth that we cannibals are lazy and spoiled. In truth our digestive system is always asking and waiting for some work. Like now…

Cannibal looks attentively at Hermit. Hermit is stunned and takes a few steps back.

FADRIUS – So you’re a cannibal?!

CANNIBAL – Why are you so surprised? In essence all people are cannibals. But only some of them are honest and do it in a physical way, like me. And others pretend and lie, and eat one another: financially, mentally, and spiritually, hiding behind their big and fancy words. And nobody knows which is worse!

FADRIUS – Then it is understandable why Gelo put a spell on you. He just didn’t want to be eaten by you. And now you have come to eat him?

HERMIT – What horror! We should call the guards.

CANNIBAL – There is no need to call the guards. I won't eat your beloved Gelo. He owes me: he promised to make me happy. And one should keep one’s promises. And here I am to collect my portion of happiness.

FADRIUS – Oh I see. Unluckily for you, Gelo hasn’t come back yet. You can go home now…

CANNIBAL – No way! If I go away, he’ll come back with the MIRACLE, and you will share it without me. I better wait.

Cannibal sits down as an act of protest. Fadrius frowns.

FADRIUS – I’m asking you nicely, will you please leave!

CANNIBAL – (Cautiously looks at the Wizard) It’s not fair! Gelo promised to make me happy, and you want to steal my happiness.

FADRIUS – If you won’t leave now, I will have to cast some spells on you. For example, I can turn you into a toad. Do you want to be turned into a toad?

CANNIBAL – (Jumps up frightfully) Stop your silly tricks. I too have my human rights. There’s no need for high-handedness or bullying. Just because you are a Wizard, it doesn’t mean you can do whatever you like! I’ll sue you! I will appeal to the international community. I’ll set human rights organizations against you! And the press will support me. You think just because you are surrounded by powerful people you can do whatever you want to honest citizens!…

The Fisherman walks on stage. He sees an angry Fadrius and addresses him cautiously.

FISHERMAN – How do you do, Sir? Could you please tell me where I could find Gelo?

FADRIUS – (Cross) And who are you? What do you need?

FISHERMAN – I’m simply a fisherman. We met each other when he stayed at my house… I don’t actually need anything. It’s just we didn’t have much time to talk, and I didn’t explain to him what happiness is. And now I have come to help him handle the MIRACLE properly and prevent him from making any mistakes.

CANNIBAL – I see! You’ve come to snatch my happiness from me. Lovely!

FISHERMAN – Not at all! I’m not going to snatch anything from anybody. I’m happy without the MIRACLE. I have a wonderful family: wife and children…

CANNIBAL – Why in the hell did you come here then?

FISHERMAN – I want to help Gelo…

FADRIUS – I think your desire to help is noble but unnecessary. I as his teacher can help him to handle the MIRACLE properly.

FISHERMAN – But you are a courtier. And it is well known courtiers and bureaucrats know little about what makes ordinary people truly happy. Your knowledge about happiness is limited by the palace’s walls, dreams of power, glory, and wealth.

FADRIUS – One shouldn’t make such hasty assumptions.

CANNIBAL – Hey, wait a minute, who’s happiness is you talking about? Mine or yours?

FADRIUS – You better be quiet. Just remember what I said about the toad.

CANNIBAL – You’re such a rude and unrefined little old man! Even though you’re a Wizard.

HERMIT – I think the more helpers Gelo has the better. So, it’s good that the Fisherman came to town. His advice might help Gelo.

CANNIBAL – I don’t like the fact that so many people will manage my MIRACLE.

Vedalia suddenly appears on stage. Everyone looks at her in amazement.

VEDALIA – Hello, dear men. Can you tell me what you are arguing about with such enthusiasm in absence of ladies? You must be gossiping.

FISHERMAN – Hello. Are men capable of gossiping? I always thought gossiping is a women’s domain.

VEDALIA – That’s an old-fashioned view. Nowadays only men can truly gossip. But they call it ‘meetings’ and ‘negotiations’. And they do it in such a serious manner as if they were solving world problems.

FADRIUS – That’s an interesting observation. Who are you if I may ask?

VEDALIA – The owner of ‘Store of Temptations’, I think you, Fadrius have heard of me.

FADRIUS – Unfortunately, I have.

VEDALIA – Oh, Fadrius! Shame on you, you could have lied to a lady and